AND NOW…THE BAD

 

Yeah – this was always going to be the biggest part, because let’s face it, most of the Roman emperors were bad. And that’s with saving the top ten worst emperors for the last part.

 

TOP 10 WORST ROMAN EMPERORS (SPECIAL MENTION)

 

MY PERTINAX-THRAX LINE…OR IS THAT MY SEVERUS-THEODOSIUS LINE SEPARATING BAD FROM GOOD EMPERORS?

 

Okay, okay, that might seem wrong, ranking Septimius Severus and Theodosius just over the line as ‘bad’ emperors, let alone ranking them below Pertinax and Maximinus Thrax or usurpers such as Eugenius and Johannes, when ranking them alongside Constantius II and Gallienus as good but flawed emperors might seem more accurate…but I just can’t forgive them their wretched dynasties. Also…

 

(34) SEPTIMIUS SEVERUS – SEVERAN DYNASTY

(9 APRIL 193 AD – 4 FEBRUARY 211 AD: 17 YEARS 9 MONTHS 26 DAYS)

 

Yes, probably the best of the bad options in the Year of Five Emperors but as per Spectrum “he was the one who started debasing the currency like a madman in order to increase his soldiers’ pay. On one hand, keeping himself in power was the reason why. On the other, a lot of the problems the empire faced later down the line and possibly the reason it fell in the first place can be chalked up to him”.

 

 

(35) THEODOSIUS – THEODOSIAN DYNASTY: EASTERN EMPIRE THEN WHOLE EMPIRE

(19 JANUARY 379 AD – 17 JANUARY 395 AD: 15 YEARS 11 MONTHS 29 DAYS)

 

Theodosius the so-called Great. Founder of the worst dynasty of the classical Roman empire. Yes, again he probably did the best of bad options open to the empire after the Battle of Adrianople but was kicking the can down the road for the empire to pick up later – with the fall of the western empire. As per Dovahhatty, “I’m busy thinking how to be horrible at everything and yet still be remembered as ‘great'”

 

MY SEVERUS-THEODOSIUS LINE…OR IS THAT MY SEVERUS-THEODOSIUS II LINE SEPARATING BAD FROM GOOD EMPERORS?

 

Okay, okay – one might extend the line through Leo to Theodosius II as borderline ‘bad’ emperors. Again, it might seem wrong ranking either just over the line as bad emperors, let alone ranking them below Pertinax and Maximinus Thrax or Eugenius and Johannes – when again ranking them as alongside Constantius II and Gallienus as good but flawed emperors might seem more apt, but…

 

(36) LEO – LEONID DYNASTY: EASTERN EMPIRE

(7 FEBRUARY 457 – 18 JANUARY 474 AD: 16 YEARS 11 MONTHS 11 DAYS)

 

Yes – he did found the Leonid dynasty and hence earned the title of Leo the Great, a dynasty that was decent enough and saw the eastern empire outlast the western empire. Yes – he also overthrew the Gothic military clique under Aspar that dominated the eastern empire, hence earning the title of Leo the Butcher.

And yes – he also attempted to save the western empire as it fell, particularly with his naval expedition to reclaim north Africa from the Vandals but…for the disastrous defeat of that expedition at the Battle of Cape Bon, bankrupting his eastern empire and dooming the western one, even if that defeat was primarily the fault of the fleet’s commander (and Leo’s brother-in-law) Basiliscus. That had to cost him my ranking as good emperor.

 

(37) THEODOSIUS II – THEODOSIAN DYNASTY: EASTERN EMPIRE

(1 MAY 408 AD – 28 JULY 450 AD: 42 YEARS 2 MONTHS 27 DAYS)

 

Yes – I have more respect for the eastern empire in general and Theodosius II in particular after reading Peter Heather’s The Fall of the Roman Empire as neither was quite as supine towards the fall of the western empire as is usually perceived. And also after all, the reign of Theodosius did see the eastern empire avoid the same scale of disaster that befell its western counterpart.

But…his reign also saw the empire ravaged by the Huns effectively to the point of surrender by tribute to them – which also precluded a joint naval expedition with the western empire against the Vandals in north Africa to salvage the western empire. And it also saw one intervention too many in the western empire to reclaim it for Valentinian III, when it would have been better left to Johannes.

 

D-TIER (LOW TIER)

 

(38) GRATIAN – VALENTINIAN DYNASTY: WESTERN EMPIRE

(17 NOVEMBER 375 AD – 25 AUGUST 383 AD: 7 YEARS 9 MONTHS 8 DAYS)

 

(39) CONSTANS – CONSTANTINIAN DYNASTY: WESTERN & EMPIRE

(9 SEPTEMBER 337 AD – JANUARY 350 AD: 12 YEARS 4 MONTHS)

 

Two emperors with uncannily similar reigns, despite being separated by forty years or so and successive dynasties – both succeeded great emperors and founders of dynasties (for whom the dynasties were named) as their sons, both began as child emperors in circumstances where others had designs on them as puppets, both were western emperors who were reasonably robust in defending the western empire, and both were usurped and killed when their legions deserted them due to them ‘favoring’ their barbarian soldiers in suggestive ways

 

(40) VALENS – VALENTINIAN DYNASTY: EASTERN EMPIRE

(364 AD – 378 AD: 14 YEARS 4 MONTHS 12 DAYS)

 

Gothicus Minimus, amirite?

I mean, his infamous defeat at the Battle of Adrianople has got to cost him in the rankings. However, it shouldn’t cost him disproportionately to a reasonably competent imperial administration, hence I don’t rank him in the bottom tier – and still ahead of most other emperors, although that is more a result of just how bad most Roman emperors were…

 

TOP 10 WORST ROMAN EMPERORS (DISHONORABLE MENTION)

 

(41) CONSTANTINE III – USURPER: THEODOSIAN DYNASTY (WESTERN EMPIRE)

(407-411 AD: 4 YEARS)

 

The usurper I rank as least bad, because it’s hard not to have a sneaking admiration for him – a common soldier in Roman Britain who rose to usurp Honorius to the point that the latter had to recognize him as co-emperor for a short period. Also because he rose to literal legendary status in Britain, even as high as being identified as the grandfather of King Arthur. He’d at least outrank Constantine II if ever I was to rank my Top 10 Constantines (note to self – rank my Top 10 Constantines, although that will have to await my Byzantine emperor rankings as most of the Constantines were eastern Roman emperors).

Shout-out to his son and co-emperor Constans – I simply place him here unranked because he does not feature in Wikipedia’s list of Roman emperors other than a brief mention in parenthesis with Constantine.

 

(42) MAGNUS MAXIMUS – USURPER: VALENTINIAN DYNASTY (WESTERN EMPIRE)

(25 AUGUST 383 AD – 28 AUGUST 388 AD: 5 YEARS 3 DAYS)

 

(43) MAGNENTIUS – USURPER: CONSTANTINIAN DYNASTY (WESTERN EMPIRE)

(18 JANUARY 350 AD – 10 AUGUST 353 AD: 3 YEARS 6 MONTHS 23 DAYS)

 

Two usurpers, similar to each other as they usurped similar emperors – Constans in the case of Magnentius and Gratian in the case of Magnus Maximus. The latter took his title as the best and greatest – he wasn’t either but he and Magnentius were not too bad as usurpers go, although I rank them both below the emperors they usurped (but not by much).

Shout-out to Victor as son and co-emperor of Maximus, suffering the same fate of defeat and execution as his father – I simply place him here unranked because he does not feature in Wikipedia’s list of Roman emperors other than a brief mention in parenthesis with Maximus.

 

(44) MAXENTIUS – USURPER: TETRARCHY (WESTERN EMPIRE)

(28 OCTOBER 306 AD – 28 OCTOBER 312 AD: 6 YEARS)

 

Usually derided as an usurper and opponent of Constantine but as per Spectrum – “Everyone gives him sh*t but this dude started out from a terrible position and still ended up doing a lot. With not much more than a few Praetorians and some raw recruits, he established control of Italy and parts of Africa, managed to defeat not one but two emperors in a defensive campaign, and managed to last six years while pretty much everyone was hostile to him”.

Ironically, that sees him outrank all other members of the Tetrarchy other than Diocletian (who died before his accession), Constantius, and Constantine – which is probably more a comment on their bad quality. He out-maneuvered his own father Maximian, while also defeating Severus II and Galerius. It’s probably a little unfair to Licinius though, given that Licinius allied with Constantine to defeat him. Still, he had it coming by Constantine. Speaking of the Tetrarchy…

 

TOP 10 WORST ROMAN EMPERORS (SPECIAL MENTION)

 

TETRARCHY –

 

(45) GALERIUS (EASTERN EMPIRE):

(1 MAY 305 AD – MAY 311 AD: 6 YEARS)

 

(46) MAXIMIAN (WESTERN EMPIRE):

(1 APRIL 286 AD – 1 MAY 305 AD: 19 YEARS 1 MONTH)

(NOVEMBER 306 AD – 11 NOVEMBER 308 AD: 2 YEARS)

 

(47) LICINIUS (WESTERN THEN EASTERN EMPIRE):

(11 NOVEMBER 308 AD – 19 SEPTEMBER 321 AD: 15 YEARS 10 MONTHS 8 DAYS)

 

(48) MAXIMINUS II / MAXIMINUS “DAZA” (EASTERN EMPIRE):

(310 AD – JULY 313 AD: 3 YEARS)

 

(49) SEVERUS II (WESTERN EMPIRE):

(AUGUST 306 AD – MARCH / APRIL 307 AD: 8 MONTHS)

 

The Tetrarchy was a bit of a hot mess when Diocletian wasn’t around to hold the hands of his co-emperors (except of course for Constantius and his son Constantine) – mostly because of the quality of these guys as his co-emperors, with most of them ultimately proving to be only foils to Constantine in one form or another. That pretty much sums them up – screwing up without Diocletian until they were pawned by Constantine.

So I’ve lumped them all together in my rankings – perhaps somewhat unfairly for Galerius who might have ranked higher (perhaps as high as Valens or Gratian, although he was defeated by Maxentius), just about right for Maximian and Licinius (although perhaps Licinius might have ranked highest among these Tetrarchy emperors for political cunning and endurance), and pulling up Maximinus II and Severus II. (Severus might well have ranked down with the more F-tier Crisis emperors, with Maximinus not too far behind).

 

 

(50) DECIUS – NON-DYNASTIC / CRISIS OF THE THIRD CENTURY

(SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER 249 AD – JUNE 251 AD: 1 YEAR 8-9 MONTHS)

 

(51) PHILIP THE ARAB – NON-DYNASTIC / CRISIS OF THE THIRD CENTURY

(FEBRUARY 244 AD – SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER 249 AD: 5 YEARS 7-8 MONTHS)

 

Two emperors in succession presiding over almost eight years of the Crisis that were just a cut above the worst emperors of the Crisis.

And it was a close call between them – Philip had the longer reign but I just like Decius more, what with his exhortation to his troops after his son was killed in battle (and before his own death in that battle): “Let no one mourn, the death of one soldier is no great loss to the Republic”.

 

(52) SEVERUS ALEXANDER – SEVERAN DYNASTY

(14 MARCH 222 AD – MARCH 235 AD: 13 YEARS 8 DAYS)

 

(53) GORDIAN III – NON-DYNASTIC / CRISIS OF THE THIRD CENTURY

(AUGUST 238 AD – FEBRUARY 244 AD: 5 YEARS 6 MONTHS)

 

And now we come to two similar emperors, both effectively commencing as child emperors – indeed the first and second youngest sole emperors of the whole empire respectively – puppeted by their mothers. Gordian was the weaker of the two – Severus Alexander may well have become more effective but for the military coup that overthrew and killed him, kicking off the Crisis of the Third Century. As per Spectrum, “he could have turned out into a good emperor but unfortunately his mother took too long to die”.

 

 

(54) JOVIAN – NON-DYNASTIC (CONSTANTINIAN DYNASTY)

(27 JUNE 363 AD – 17 FEBRUARY 364 AD: 7 MONTHS 21 DAYS)

 

Jovian really is in a category of his own, whose brief reign was seen as a bit of a joke. It wasn’t really his fault – all he did was have defeat handed to him from his predecessor and then die, but he probably did the best anyone could in those circumstances.

 

 

(55) MACRINUS – NON-DYNASTIC (SEVERAN DYNASTY)

(11 APRIL 217 AD – 8 JUNE 218 AD: 1 YEAR 1 MONTH 28 DAYS)

 

With better luck or management, Macrinus may well have crossed over my Thrax-Pertinax line into special mentions for good emperors – and indeed might well be regarded as similar to Pertinax himself, attempting to introduce necessary reforms to salvage the empire but thwarted in the attempt.

 

TOP 10 WORST ROMAN EMPERORS (DISHONORABLE MENTION)

 

(56) PROCOPIUS – USURPER: VALENTINIAN DYNASTY (EASTERN EMPIRE)

(28 SEPTEMBER 365 AD – 27 MAY 366 AD: 7 MONTHS 29 DAYS)

 

Procopius gave it a damn good shot usurping the eastern emperor Valens, in the capital Constantinople no less, such that Valens almost gave up in despair. Almost gave up, that is, but not quite – with Valens pulling through to win and execute Procopius.

 

(57) NEPOTIANUS – USURPER: CONSTANTINIAN DYNASTY (WESTERN EMPIRE)

(3-30 JUNE 350 AD: 27 DAYS)

 

Counter-usurper to Magnentius in Rome – ranks better than the brevity of a reign of only 27 days might suggest – for doing it by literal gladiatorial coup. I have to admire his sheer ballsiness in that he didn’t even have any soldiers for his attempt, but instead entered Rome with a band of gladiators. Gladiators! And pulled it off enough that Rome’s prefect and loyal supporter of Magnentius had to flee the city. This is what the Gladiator sequel film should have featured!

 

(58) MARTINIAN – NON-DYNASTIC / TETRARCHY (EASTERN EMPIRE)

(JULY – 19 SEPTEMBER 324 AD: 2 MONTHS)

 

(59) VALERIUS VALENS – NON-DYNASTIC / TETRARCHY (EASTERN EMPIRE)

(OCTOBER 316 AD – JANUARY 317 AD: 2-3 MONTHS)

 

Think of that trope of someone trying to stop or at least stall an implacable pursuer by desperately throwing things, ineffectual or otherwise, at them or in their path, only for that pursuer to effortlessly brush or shrug those things aside as barely an inconvenience.

When the Tetrarchy had boiled down to a civil war between the last two men standing – Licinius as eastern emperor and Constantine as western emperor – that someone was Licinius, his implacable pursuer was Constantine, and the things Licinius desperately threw at Constantine were these two guys.

 

(60) SALONINUS – NON-DYNASTIC / CRISIS OF THE THIRD CENTURY

(260 AD: 1 MONTH)

 

Saloninus was briefly co-emperor as son of the reigning emperor Gallienus. Gallienus had sent him to Gaul, not as co-emperor but as caesar – only to be declared emperor by his troops in a short-lived effort to stave off revolt before handing him over anyway

 

(61) HERENNIUS ETRUSCUS – NON-DYNASTIC / CRISIS OF THE THIRD CENTURY

(MAY/JUNE 251 AD: LESS THAN 1 MONTH)

 

(62) HOSTILIAN – NON-DYNASTIC / CRISIS OF THE THIRD CENTURY

(JUNE-JULY 251 AD: 1 MONTH)

 

Co-emperors as sons of the emperor Decius.

Hostilian was the surviving son of Decius, whom Decius’ successor Trebonianus Gallus proclaimed as his co-emperor to lend some legitimacy and continuity to his reign, only for Hostilian to die of disease shortly afterwards.

Herennius died in battle – the same Battle of Arbritus against the Goths in which his father Decius was defeated and killed.

 

F-TIER (FAIL TIER)

 

TOP 10 WORST ROMAN EMPERORS (SPECIAL MENTION)

 

(63) GALBA – NON-DYNASTIC / YEAR OF FOUR EMPERORS

(8 JUNE 68 AD – 15 JANUARY 69 AD: 7 MONTHS 7 DAYS)

 

(64) OTHO – NON-DYNASTIC / YEAR OF FOUR EMPERORS

(15 JANUARY – 16 APRIL 69 AD: 3 MONTHS 1 DAY)

 

The two emperors who kicked off the Year of Four Emperors. Of Galba, Tacitus said “that all would have agreed he was equal to the imperial office if he had never held it”, while the Gospel of Suetonius gives a very unflattering portrait of Galba as emperor – imperial office seems to have brought his worst qualities, “cruelty and avarice”, to the fore.

And Otho? Well, he was worse – Nero-level worse.

 

CRISIS OF THE THIRD CENTURY EMPERORS –

 

(65) NUMERIAN:

(JULY / AUGUST 283 AD – NOVEMBER 284 AD: 1 YEAR 3-4 MONTHS)

 

(66) AEMILIANUS:

(JULY – SEPTEMBER 253 AD: 88 DAYS?)

 

(67) FLORIANUS:

(JUNE – SEPTEMBER 276 AD: 80-88 DAYS)

 

(68) QUINTILLUS:

(AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 270 AD: 17-77 DAYS?)

 

(69) GORDIAN II:

(APRIL-MAY 238 AD: 22 DAYS)

 

(70) GORDIAN:

(APRIL-MAY 238 AD: 22 DAYS)

 

(71) PUPIENUS:

(MAY-AUGUST 238 AD: 99 DAYS)

 

(72) BALBINUS:

(MAY-AUGUST 238 AD: 99 DAYS)

 

The archetypal weak emperors of the Crisis of the Third Century – imperial claimants, usually proclaimed by their legions but occasionally the Senate or even mobs, usurping the throne for less than a year before being usurped and killed in turn.

Balbinus and Pupienus were co-emperors, as were Gordian and his son Gordian II – all hawked up and spat out by the Year of Six Emperors. Quintillus may have been emperor as little as 17 days – and also was up against Aurelian. Florianus and Amelianus were defeated by better rivals. Numerian was a little like Jovian, except with the Praetorian Guard playing weekend at Bernie’s with his corpse.

 

(73) VALENTINIAN II – VALENTINIAN DYNASTY: WESTERN EMPIRE

(28 AUGUST 388 AD – 15 MAY 392 AD: 3 YEARS 8 MONTHS 17 DAYS)

 

Precursor of the weak puppet last western emperors. Speaking of which…

 

LAST WESTERN EMPERORS –

 

(74) ANTHEMIUS

(12 APRL 467- 11 JULY 472 AD: 5 YEARS 2 MONTHS 29 DAYS)

 

(75) AVITUS

(9 JULY 455 AD – 17 OCTOBER 456 AD: 1 YEAR 3 MONTHS 8 DAYS)

 

(76) JULIUS NEPOS

(24 JUNE 474 AD – 28 AUGUST 475 AD: 1 YEAR 2 MONTHS 4 DAYS)

 

(77) ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS

(31 OCTOBER 475 AD – 24 JUNE 476 AD: 10 MONTHS 4 DAYS)

 

(78) GLYCERIUS

(3/5 MARCH 473 – 24 JUNE 474 AD: 1 YEAR 3 MONTHS 19/21 DAYS)

 

(79) OLYBRIUS

(APRIL – 2 NOVEMBER 472 AD: 7 MONTHS)

 

(80) LIBIUS SEVERUS

(19 NOVEMBER 461 AD – 14 NOVEMBER 465 AD: 3 YEARS 11 MONTHS 26 DAYS)

 

The archetypal weak emperors of the dying western empire – embodying the terminal decline of imperial office to the figureheads or puppets of the barbarian warlords who ruled the empire or its remnants in all but name, best symbolized by the last western emperor, Romulus Augustulus.

I’ve lumped them all together, which might be a little unfair for Avitus and Anthemius, who at least tried to do something to stall the fall, effectively through alliances with the Visigoths and eastern empire respectively.

 

(81) BASILISCUS – LEONID DYNASTY: EASTERN EMPIRE

(9 JANUARY 475 AD – AUGUST 476 AD: 1 YEAR 7 MONTHS)

 

Botched the Battle of Cape Bon against the Vandals in north Africa – somehow survived the consequences of that to pull off a coup and reign as emperor briefly before the previous emperor struck back.

Shout-out to his son and co-emperor Marcus. You guessed it – mentioned only in parenthesis with his father in Wikipedia’s list of Roman emperors.

 

(82) CARINUS – NON-DYNASTIC / CRISIS OF THE THIRD CENTURY

(283 AD – AUGUST / SEPTEMBER 285 AD: 2 YEARS)

 

The Crisis of the Third Century hadn’t stopped being terrible yet – personified by Carinus before he was defeated by Diocletian, a defeat brought about in part by sleeping with the wives of his officers.

 

(83) TREBONIANUS GALLUS – NON-DYNASTIC / CRISIS OF THE THIRD CENTURY

(JUNE 251 AD – AUGUST 253 AD: 2 YEARS 2 MONTHS)

 

The embodiment of the Crisis of the Third Century

 

TOP 10 WORST EMPERORS (DISHONORABLE MENTION)

 

(84) VOLUSIANUS – NON-DYNASTIC / CRISIS OF THE THIRD CENTURY

(AUGUST 251 AD – AUGUST 253 AD: 2 YEARS)

 

As per Dovahhatty – “Now son, may we rule long and incompetently”.

Son of Trebonianus Gallus. Just as useless as his father but didn’t even achieve his uselessness on his own as he was appointed as co-emperor by his father, hence the ranking just below his father.

 

TOP 10 WORST ROMAN EMPERORS (SPECIAL MENTION)

 

(85) GETA – SEVERAN DYNASTY

(4 FEBRUARY – 26 DECEMBER 2011 AD: 10 MONTHS AND 15/22 DAYS)

 

As bad as his older brother, just not as good at being bad – hence his brother assassinated him first.

 

(86) DIDIUS JULIANUS – NON-DYNASTIC / YEAR OF THE FIVE EMPERORS

28 MARCH – 1 JUNE 193 AD (2 MONTHS 4 DAYS)

 

Did…did you just buy the Roman empire, dude?

 

(87) VITELLIUS – NON-DYNASTIC / YEAR OF THE FOUR EMPERORS

(19 APRIL – 20 DECEMBER 69 AD: 8 MONTHS 1 DAY)

 

The third and worst of the Four Emperors. As per Spectrum – “you know, when the legacy you leave behind is nothing more than being a fat bastard, you know you were never a good emperor in the first place”.

 

TOP 10 WORST ROMAN EMPERORS (DISHONORABLE MENTION)

 

(88) PRISCUS ATTALUS – USURPER: THEODOSIAN DYNASTY (WESTERN EMPIRE)

409 AD – 410 AD: LESS THAN 1 YEAR)

 

Puppet of the Visigoth leader Alaric – the first western emperor to be raised to that office by a barbarian and a precursor of the last western emperors to come.

 

X-TIER (WILD TIER)

 

LEO II – LEONID DYNASTY: EASTERN EMPIRE

(18 JANUARY – NOVEMBER 474 AD: 10 MONTHS)

 

PHILIP II – NON-DYNASTIC / CRISIS OF THE THIRD CENTURY

(JULY / AUGUST 247 AD – SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER 249 AD: 2 YEARS 2 MONTHS)

 

DIADUMENIAN – NON-DYNASTIC (SEVERAN DYNASTY)

(MAY – JUNE 218 AD: LESS THAN 1 MONTH)

 

Three ephemeral child emperors to whom I’m not giving a numbered ranking because, well, it seems unfair to rank them against their adult counterparts, particularly because they all died young – Diadumenian and Philip II were both killed along with their fathers and Leo II died of disease. Leo II is something of an exception to the rule of my dishonorable mentions as he was recognized as a legitimate emperor (heir to his grandfather Leo) but died within a few months.

 

SILBANNACUS – NON-DYNASTIC / CRISIS OF THE THIRD CENTURY

(SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER 253 AD?)

 

A mystery numismatic imperial claimant about whom nothing was written or is known except for two coins in his name, hence numismatic. He does appear in Wikipedia’s list of Roman emperors hence why I include him here but with an unnumbered ranking.

Shout-out to Sponsian – a similar mystery imperial claimant known only from coins but who is not included in Wikipedia’s list of Roman emperors.