Nothing kinky going on here, no sir – 2004 Romanian stamp (and therefore public domain image) featuing Dracula (used as feature image for Wikipedia “Erotic Horror”)

(20) EROTIC HORROR

Wait – what?

As usual, I tend to throw in a kinky entry among my wilder special mentions – usually as the final or twentieth special mention, where the subject permits, and you might be surprised what kink I can squeeze out of a given subject.

And for the subject of horror films, that kinky entry pretty much writes itself.

Firstly, horror tends to be relegated to a cinematic ghetto not unlike adult film – and often uncannily resembles the latter in production values and with similar restricted ratings (for the more softcore adult films at least). As noted by TV Tropes, “you’d be hard-pressed to find professional film critics who don’t view horror as a land where grisly violence and exploitation stand in for plot and characters…none other than famed horror director John Carpenter once remarked that horror is viewed by the mainstream as being just a notch above p0rnography”.

Secondly, adult films borrow from horror films in visual imagery or what passes for plot surprisingly often, except of course for titillation rather than terror – at least going by the spoof titles for adult films parodying those of horror films. I take it the script is probably the least valued part of the production of adult films so if you can just copy and paste it from another film, all the better.

Thirdly, there’s a reason underlying both of the above two reasons – and it’s that there’s always been an underlying eroticism or erotic themes in horror, albeit in varying degrees across the genre, such that you might even call it part of horror’s DNA.

Just think Dracula and vampire horror, but that’s just for starters. You could argue that many horror films involve both variations of the male gaze – that of the audience and that of the antagonist, with the latter as more predatory. Many or perhaps even most of my top ten entries or special mention have some erotic subcurrent – or could readily be tweaked entirely to the basic plot premise (or “parody”) in adult film.

Indeed, erotic horror or erotic themes in horror are so distinctive that the former has its own Wikipedia entry (also featuring the latter) and lists of films. Although be warned – it gets a little weird, anime tentacles for example.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Theatrical release poster – to be honest, that doll freaks me out even before she turns evil

(19) M3GAN (2022)

It’s the Terminator as a doll – what more do you need to know?

Well, in fairness, it’s both versions of Arnold’s T-800 in the first two films. You know, the bad Terminator in the first film and the good Terminator in the second film. If that sounds weird, it’s because she flips from the latter to the former – and worse, that’s from her programming as the latter driven to insane troll logic extremes.

And yes – I’m giving it special mention because of that dance, which became a meme from its brief appearance in the trailer onwards. It makes no sense and comes out of nowhere, except of course the titular doll getting its groove on as part of its murderous self-awareness.

We’re not talking high art here – but we rarely are when it comes to horror films. It’s cheesy and by the numbers but it’s a hoot.

And after all, it’s becoming a franchise – with a sequel due in 2025 and a spinoff in 2026. I also can’t resist citing the 2024 Subservience as something of a spiritual sequel purely based on the same robot gone wrong theme and the play on the name with Megan Fox as the robot in that film. She can be my hot robot nanny any day. That’s right – you heard me. I stand by that statement.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Theatrical release poster art

(18) THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2012)

“On another level, it’s a serious critique of what we love and what we don’t about horror movies.”

I’m ranking The Cabin in the Woods in top tier, because it is virtually an encyclopedia of horror film genre tropes and references, the latter so congested at times you have to pause or watch frame by frame to get them all (and probably not even then).

It is a horror film that is also meta-horror – a love letter to the genre, or more precisely a love-hate letter to the genre.

“I love being scared. I love that mixture of thrill, of horror, that objectification / identification thing of wanting definitely for the people to be alright but at the same time hoping they’ll go somewhere dark and face something awful. The things that I don’t like are kids acting like idiots, the devolution of the horror movie into torture p0rn and into a long series of sadistic comeuppances.”

That is of course from Joss Whedon as producer and co-writer of the screenplay, the latter with director Drew Goddard as the other co-writer” – and the film is definitely Whedonesque in its troperiffic and reference-heavy quality (rather than the more, ah, negative qualities that might be associated with that term from developments since that film). Indeed, it has distinct similarities with the creation that still is definitive of Whedon – Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 4 and the Initiative in particular.

“Five friends go to an isolated cabin in the woods for a weekend vacation.”

And that’s pretty much all you’re getting of the plot here, because any more detail spoils the premise of the film. Let’s just say the premise of the film explains why the plots of horror films often seem so contrived in a deconstruction of both the “cabin in the woods” setting and the horror genre.

Film critic Ann Hornaday summed it up nicely:

“A fiendishly clever brand of meta-level genius propels The Cabin in the Woods, a pulpy, deceivingly insightful send-up of horror movies that elicits just as many knowing chuckles as horrified gasps. [It] comes not only to praise the slasher-, zombie- and gore-fests of yore but to critique them, elaborating on their grammatical elements and archetypal figures even while searching for ways to put them to novel use. The danger in such a loftily ironic approach is that everything in the film appears with ready-made quotation marks around it… But by then, the audience will have picked up on the infectiously goofy vibe of an enterprise that, from its first sprightly moments, clearly has no intention of taking itself too seriously”.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Theatrical release poster

(17) DRAG ME TO HELL (2009)

Ah, Sam Raimi – it’s good to have you back home in horror, even if it’s just a brief stay.

The moral of the fable – if you’re a bank loans officer, don’t refuse loans to old gypsy women that can sling supernatural curses your way. Okay, technically not refusing a loan but refusing to extend a mortgage.

And in this case, the supernatural curse involves literally cursing you to hell – and not back. Go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200. The film obviously involves the female protagonist Christine’s desperate attempts to shrug off the curse.

It raises the ante on the Occupy movement – not quite by occupying hell but sending the bankers there. I think we can all get on board with cursing banks to hell but come on – shouldn’t the old gypsy woman be aiming a little higher? I mean, she should be doing a Karen and cursing Christine’s boss, who was the real problem here. Or hell – go for the CEO!

RATING: 4 STARS****

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(16) SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006)

“Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these motherfking snakes on this motherfking plane”.

Scriptwriting genius!

An action horror film “that, more than most movies you’ll find, does pretty much exactly what it says on the tin” and “that turned out exactly as ludicrous on the premise and title sound, and it revelled in its so bad it’s goodness”.

What more do you need to know? It’s snakes on a plane!

Oh sure, there’s a convoluted plot to get to the premise of snakes on a plane. Well, not that convoluted in terms of writing – more in the ludicrousness of it as the weapon of choice by an international gangster to assassinate a witness testifying against him. I mean, surely the classic trope of planting a bomb on the plane would have been easier and more effective? Particularly as he had to import all the snakes to put on the plane as it departed Hawaii, one of three islands in the world famously without snakes.

Oh – and that witness? He’d just accidentally blundered on to the scene at just the right time to see the gangster murder a prosecutor. How do we know it was a prosecutor? Because the gangster mocks the man as “Mr Prosecutor” in my favorite line in the movie apart from its most famous line – or indeed in any movie. Again – scriptwriting genius!

Apparently, when the studio wanted to give the film a serious title, Pacific Air Flight 121 – boooring! – and turn it into an action horror film, Samuel L. Jackson “suggested they change it back when the absurd title gained popularity online and became a huge online meme”. And of course so Jackson could say that iconic line as only Jackson could.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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(15) THE DESCENT (2005)

Just when you thought it was safe to go spelunking…

One of the best horror films of the 2000s – honestly I’d consider it for special mention on the skull of women motif art design alone.

“The Descent is a 2005 British horror film written and directed by Neil Marshall, director of Dog Soldiers and Doomsday. The film follows a group of six women who embark on a caving expedition and become trapped underground after a cave-in.”

If that wasn’t recipe enough for claustrophobic horror, add a pinch of injury and a generous serve of Crawlers – “predatory, pale humanoid creatures” that make the Morlocks seems positively refined by comparison. And like nothing better than to chow down on anyone stupid and hapless enough to enter their lair.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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(14) THE ENTITY (1982)

A supernatural horror film which makes what is often subtext in other horror films into its text (or super-text?) – sexual violence against women.

Alternatively, it’s the most infamously hilarious line in comics, from Jim Balent’s Tarot Witch of the Black Rose – “You have to get out of here! Your v*gina is haunted” – but as horror.

To be fair, there was a subliminal horror in that line which is made, ah liminal (or is that superliminal – heh, love using the same joke twice) in The Entity. If you didn’t pick it up, it’s in the first part of that line – “You have to get out of here!”. And go where?

There’s the horror – it’s not like a haunted house she can just leave. That is essentially the horror of the film, where the titular invisible and malevolent poltergeist-like being doesn’t limit itself to being a noisy spirit smashing up things in the house but instead repeatedly assaults a single mother in Los Angeles.

One might think that’s horror enough in real life – indeed in some ways the film works better as a metaphor for that real life horror, particularly when it comes to a complainant having her complaint heard and believed. However, it’s a film that sticks with you, mainly from its shocking subject (which even has a term, at least in its broader meaning, of spectrophilia) and the compelling performance by Barbara Hershey as the entity’s target Carla Moran.

Apparently it was adapted for the screen by Frank De Felitta from his 1978 novel of the same name – and to make it more creepy, based on or inspired by the 1974 case of Dora Blither, who claimed such attacks on herself in real life.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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One of many iconic or memetic scenes – this one particularly so because it was parodied beat for beat by Huey Lewis and Weird Al Yankovic

(13) AMERICAN PSYCHO (2000)

How could we have special mentions for horror films without Patrick Bateman, the titular American Psycho – at least for all the memetic moments?

Well, I suppose you could as it’s arguably not horror, but psychological thriller or even more so black comedy satire. (Or perhaps grim prediction of contemporary American politics, particularly given Bateman’s idol…?)

However, It does feature the titular serial killer (or is he….?), based on the novel by Brett Easton Ellis. The latter is even more intense, with one particularly intense scene featuring a rat that makes Room 101 in 1984 look like a petting zoo and was probably unfilmable as a result.

Christian Bale played Batman Bateman, the personification of American dream and nightmare, in a cult classic of black comedy. Bateman is a wealthy investment banker, obsessed with maintaining appearance and lavish lifestyle – a man so narcissistic and self-obsessed that his idea of conversation is a monologue reviewing his album collection (Phil Collins, Whitney Houston, Huey Lewis & the News – which, in fairness, is enough to drive anyone to murder), boring his guests to death before, you know, goring them to death. Not literally goring them with a horn or tusk, but killing them gorily, such as with an axe – and a raincoat to block the splatter and spray. (“Is that a raincoat?” a bemused guest asks before getting the axe).

Or that he is driven into literally murderous rage upon being out-flaunted by his equally superficial (but slightly less murderous) colleagues and their business cards, all seemingly in the same color and font but described in pretentious terms (“bone”, “eggshell” and “pale nimbus”).

It even inspired a musical version – which sounds awesome

But excuse me – I have to return some videotapes.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Hellraiser film poster

(12) HELLRAISER (1987)

“We have such sights to show you!”

None of them pleasant, mind you, but they do indeed.

The film – and at least the first sequel – is just so quotable, usually from the Cenobites that are the heart of the horror, or the hell in the film’s title.

“The series has at its heart a puzzle box known as the Lament Configuration, which when properly solved summons the Cenobites, a cadre of sadomasochistic Humanoid Abominations.”

Worst Rubik’s Cube ever.

“The icon and representative of the series is the only recurring Cenobite after the second film, the iconic Pinhead”.

Although I have a soft spot for the Chatterer – the other two are Butterball and the Female Cenobite. It seems the Cenobites used up their imagination on BDSM by the time it came to their names.

Speaking of quotes, my favorite Hellraiser quote is not from the film but about it – by James Rolfe:

“Hellraiser is a movie that’s so f*cked up, you won’t even look at it unless you want to be freaked out of your mind!”

That pretty much sums up the premise of Hellraiser, where the horror is more its disturbing nature than any fear it evokes. It doesn’t so much make your hairs raise as your skin crawl – or “tear your soul apart”.

The first Hellraiser film was the directorial debut by writer (and sick puppy) Cliver Barker, based on his novella The Hellbound Heart.

The Cenobites, particularly Pinhead, have become horror icons. Sadly, Hellraiser hasn’t been parodied as much as it should have been in my opinion, but the standout parody of it was by Rick and Morty.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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The iconic film poster art for the 1982 Poltergeist film

(11) POLTERGEIST (1982)

“They’re here”

The classic haunted house horror film – indeed, I’d argue that it’s never been surpassed or equalled since as haunted house horror film.

Of course, the title helps  – is there a cooler word for ghost than poltergeist? Even its English translation of “noisy spirit” is still cool.

The titular spirit in the film is a lot more than merely noisy, however.

“Poltergeist is a 1982 American supernatural horror film directed by Tobe Hooper and written by Steven Spielberg…The film focuses on a suburban family whose home is invaded by malevolent ghosts that abduct their youngest daughter”.

Interestingly, Spielberg originally conceived Poltergeist as involving aliens rather than ghosts – a horror sequel to Close Encounters of the Third Kind – and you can kind of see that at times even in the finished film.

Fortunately, it was written for ghosts – and became an iconic ghost horror film as a reuslt, so iconic that it has been frequently parodied. It also spawned a franchise, but one that could never equal the first film.

It also has one of my favorite “”oh crap” moments in horror film.

“You son of a b*tch! You moved the cemetery, but you left the bodies, didn’t you? You son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the headstones! You only moved the headstones! Why? Why?”

RATING: 4 STARS****

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