(10) NEPOTIANUS –

USURPER: CONSTANTINIAN (ITALY)

(350 AD: 27 DAYS)

 

Technically a usurper but like Vetranio in my honorable mentions, he was effectively a counter-usurper, usurping another usurper – indeed in the very same year, 350 AD, against the very same usurper, Magnentius, who had usurped the Constantinian dynasty in the western empire, usurping Constans as western emperor, and facing off the eastern emperor and older brother of Constans, Constantius II. Yes – I know that’s a lot of usurping in that last sentence, but that pretty much sums up the Roman empire at times.

Unlike Vetranio, who did his usurping at the request of Constantine’s daughter – the sister of Constans and Constantius II – to protect her family (and hold the line for Constantius), Nepotianus actually was part of the family in the Constantinian dynasty, being the son of Constantine’s half-sister.

Where Vetranio effectively blocked Magentius from moving eastwards into Illyria, Nepotianus tried to block Magnetius from Rome itself – which is where he asserted his imperial claim for 27 days until Magnentius sent a trusted military subordinate to Rome to crush the revolt, literally parading Nepotianus’ head on a stick (well, lance) around the city after defeating and killing him.

What stops me from ranking Nepotianus similarly to Vetranio as a good usurper for honorable mention is just how brief and ineffectual his attempt to usurp the throne in Rome was – and that unlike Vetranio, Nepotianus’ attempt may have been a genuine bid for the imperial throne, which would make it even more pathetic, not least in that it saw him get killed rather than retire peacefully as Vetranio did.

On the other hand, he gets bonus points – and higher numerical ranking than other dishonorable mentions so far – for doing it by literal gladiatorial coup. I have to admire his sheer ballsiness in that he didn’t even have any soldiers for his attempt, but instead entered Rome with a band of gladiators. Gladiators! And pulled it off enough that Rome’s prefect and loyal supporter of Magnentius had to flee the city. This is what the Gladiator sequel film should have featured!

 

DID DOVAHHATTY DO RIGHT?

 

I feel Dovahhatty short-changed Nepotianus by not featuring him in full but only as an icon on the map – a wojak face. Still, I like the humor of his mother pleading with him against his coup attempt, as she was killed after it as well.

 

RATING: 2 STARS**

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(9) VALERIUS VALENS & MARTINIAN –

TETRARCHY (WESTERN EMPIRE – IN NAME ONLY)

(316-317 AD & 324 AD: 2-3 MONTHS EACH)

 

Think of that trope of someone trying to stop or at least stall an implacable pursuer by desperately throwing things, ineffectual or otherwise, at them or in their path, only for that pursuer to effortlessly brush or shrug those things aside as barely an inconvenience.

When the Tetrarchy had boiled down to a civil war between the last two men standing – Licinus as eastern emperor and Constantine as western emperor – that someone was Licinus, his implacable pursuer was Constantine, and the things Licinus desperately threw at Constantine were these two guys.

I’m not sure whether one can count them as usurpers – nor as ‘western emperors’, as both didn’t actually rule anything despite Licinus appointing them as such, given that Licinus did not control the western empire and was only appointing them in opposition to Constantine, each only for two or three months.

Valens was a frontier general in Dacia who helped Licinus raise another army after the latter’s crushing defeat by Constantine at the Battle of Cibalae. Licinus rewarded him by proclaiming him western emperor or augustus – only to abandon him and have him executed pursuant to a peace treaty with Constantine after being defeated again.

That peace ultimately broke down into another bout of civil war between Constantine and Licinus, so Licinus tried the same trick again – proclaiming Martinian, an imperial bureaucrat, as ‘western emperor’. This time, Constantine decisively and conclusively defeated Licinus – deposing and banishing both Licinius and Martinian before changing his mind to execute them instead.

 

DID DOVAHHATTY DO RIGHT?

 

So inconsequential that Dovahhatty didn’t even depict them in full but only as icons on a map – wojak face for Valens and an alien for Martinian as a play on the similarity of the name to Martian (a trick Dovahhatty repeated for the eastern emperor Marcian). At least they got depictions, unlike some others in these dishonorable mentions.

 

RATING: 2 STARS**

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