Daily Archives: November 25, 2024

Top Tens – Comics: Top 10 Comics (5) Adam Warren – Empowered

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Cover of Empowered volume 1 by creator – artist and writer – Adam Warren

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(5) ADAM WARREN –

EMPOWERED (Dark Horse 2007 – present)

 

“A sexy superhero comedy (except when it isn’t)”

 

The titular heroine and her series, originated from commissioned ‘bondage’ sketches of a comics superheroine ‘damsel-in-distress’, which then became the basis for the episodic shorts for the commencement of the series, illustrated in Warren’s characteristic ‘manga’ influenced style. The series started (and still continues to some extent) as a playful deconstruction of superhero comics tropes, particularly those involving female superheroes, along with (in the words of TV Tropes) “healthy doses of bondage, fanservice and comedy”.

Indeed, it’s a fantasy kitchen sink of comics tropes and more – alien doomsday technology, clans of ninjas in New Jersey, grandiloquent interdimensional hell-beings (trapped in coffee table ornaments), deals with the devil, psi powers, undead superheroes (or the ‘superdead’) and catgirls (nyaan!)

Empowered herself is a “plucky D-list superheroine”, who is precariously dependent and constantly betrayed by the fragile, fickle source of her superpowers – her skin-tight ‘hypermembrane’ suit. As a consequence, Empowered spends most of her time with her suit in tatters or various states of undress, bound and gagged by supervillains or even common criminals, a joke to her superhero peers and supervillains alike (albeit something of status symbol as arm candy to the latter).

As the series has progressed however, it has developed deeper, darker and longer story arcs – and Empowered has emerged as an increasingly formidable superheroine, relying on her wits and strength of character to overcome the flaws of her suit. On the other hand, her superhero colleagues or ‘Capes’ have become increasingly darker – beware the Superman! Remember San Antonio!

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Worst Roman Emperors (Special Mention) (2) Didius Julianus

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Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XIII: The Severan Dynasty

 

(2) DIDIUS JULIANUS –
NON-DYNASTIC / YEAR OF THE FIVE EMPERORS
(193 AD: 2 MONTHS 4 DAYS)

 

Did…did you just buy the Roman empire, dude?

Yes – it’s the emperor who bought his position when the Praetorian Guard infamously auctioned it off after assassinating his predecessor Pertinax, thereby becoming the worst of the imperial claimants in the so-called Year of the Five Emperors (as well as a special mention that could arguably be swapped into the top ten worst emperors) and throwing the position of emperor itself into disrepute. “His blatant purchase of the throne shattered any illusions of normalcy in the Roman Empire”.

Which worked out as well as you’d expect for him, which is to say not at all, as three rival generals – you know, men with armies rather than money – laid claim to the imperial throne, with Septimus Severus winning out.

Of course, with such a brief ill-gotten reign, he had no lasting accomplishment or effect except one and even that sucked – devaluing the currency, reversing the reforms of Pertinax, such that he literally and figuratively debased the empire. You’d think he’d be smarter about money since that was the only quality that literally bought him the throne.

Historian Cassius Dio had him exclaim just prior to being killed by a soldier – “But what evil have I done? Whom have I killed?”

 

DID DOVAHHATTY DO RIGHT?

 

Dovahhatty answered those questions best. Firstly, listening to his wife, nagging him into buying the empire. (Dovahhatty captions her “Go and buy the empire! I’ve already bought our imperial regalia”). Secondly, by consequence himself.

 

RATING: 1 STAR*
F-TIER (WORST TIER)
EMPIRE DEBASER

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Worst Roman Emperors (Special Mention) (1) Vitellius

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Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XI: Pax Romana

 

(1) VITELLIUS –
NON-DYNASTIC / YEAR OF THE FOUR EMPERORS
(69 AD: 8 MONTHS 1 DAY)

 

The fat bastard of the Roman Empire, third and worst of the four emperors in the so-called Year of the Four Emperors, the succession crisis following Nero and indeed coming close to out-Neroing Nero. Also first of my special mentions who could be swapped into my top ten worst emperors, but for lacking the same notoriety or endurance of reign.

In the words of Youtuber Spectrum, “you know, when the legacy you leave behind is nothing more than being a fat bastard, you know you were never a good emperor in the first place”.

The Gospel of Suetonius gave him the reputation of being an obese glutton, using emetics to throw up “so as to be able to indulge in banquets four times a day, and often having himself invited over to a different noble’s house for each one”

“One of the most famous of these feasts was offered Vitellius by his brother Lucius, at which, it is said, there were served up no less than two thousand choice fishes, and seven thousand birds. Yet even this supper he himself outdid, at a feast which he gave upon the first use of a dish which had been made for him, and which, for its extraordinary size, he called “The Shield of Minerva”. In this dish there were tossed up together the livers of pike, the brains of pheasants and peacocks, with the tongues of flamingos, and the entrails of lampreys, which had been brought in ships of war as far as from Parthia and the Spanish Straits.”

Edward Gibbon with his usual snark described him as “the beastly Vitellius” – “Vitellius consumed in mere eating at least six millions of our money, in about seven months. It is not easy to express his vices with dignity, or even decency”.

What else? Well he was an usurper – worse, a usurper of a usurper (of a usurper – the third time definitely wasn’t the charm in this case). He was appointed to his military command by Galba, who had claimed the throne after the assassination of Nero the year previously, which he then used to revolt against Galba – although he ultimately claimed the throne from Otho, who had assassinated Galba in the meantime.

He hung around with Tiberius in the latter’s decadent Capri retirement, befriended Caligula and flattered Nero. He even honored Nero as divine, “had Nero’s songs performed in public, and attempted to imitate Nero”.

He reputedly starved his mother to death (or alternatively granted her request for poison) to fulfil some BS psychic prediction that he would rule longer if his mother died first. Speaking of prophecies, his horoscope at birth so horrified his family that his father attempted to quash him from becoming consul.

Under him, “Rome became the scene of riot and massacre, gladiatorial shows and extravagant feasting”. When his nemesis came in the form of Vespasian, he even tried to chicken out with an abdication, with the imperial equivalent of leaving the keys in the ignition – leaving the insignia of empire at the Temple of Concord – but the Praetorian Guard were having none of that and forced him to return to the palace to get what was rightly coming to him. That is, dragged out from hiding, killed by the mob, and thrown into the Tiber, perhaps with his head paraded around Rome.

Good riddance.

 

DID DOVAHHATTY DO RIGHT?

 

Damn right, he did – just look at that fat wojak with his donuts!

 

RATING: 1 STAR*
F-TIER (WORST TIER)
EMPIRE DEBAUCHER