Top Tens – Film: Top 10 Horror Films (1) Evil Dead

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Evil Dead poster art that I’d argue has transcended film iconography and become part of the Jungian collective unconscious

 

 

(1) EVIL DEAD (1981-1992 / 2013-2023)

 

Hail to the king, baby!

What else? The Evil Dead, the film and the following franchise, are not high art but they embody (in virtually every sense of that word) the archetypal B-grade horror movie in all its fun and glory, with tongue ever more firmly in cheek.

As stated by TV Tropes – “in 1979, a bunch of college dropouts got together in a cabin in Tennessee and made a film with a standard B-Movie plot; this film was The Evil Dead. The film, which was directed by Sam Raimi and starred (the chin himself) Bruce Campbell, succeeded through elaborate gore effects, slick cinematography, and sheer audacity to make enough money to warrant two sequels and get into the public consciousness”.

It is remarkable that a movie made by college dropouts on a shoestring budget – and effects that resemble claymation or plasticine at times – should have any impact upon public consciousness, let alone the enduring impact it and its sequels had upon mine.

“Join us, Ashleeeeey!”

You know you’re in a for a gory horror ride in the first movie, as the classic group of teenagers heads to the classic cabin in the woods. There they unfortunately locate the demonic Book of the Dead or Necronomicon (borrowing from Lovecraft) which was studied by the cabin’s previous occupant – and even more unfortunately play the tape of the recitation invoking the Sumerian demons (although something seems to have been stalking the cabin and woods even prior to that recitation). Those demons possess each of them in turn, turning them into the titular evil dead which then attack the others, until ultimately only one of them, Ashley, is left to fend off the demons (including his girlfriend). This first film works quite effectively as horror, particularly as Ashley or Ash becomes the lone survivor fending off the evil dead in the seemingly eldritch architecture of the cabin. I mean, it’s probably the frantic cinematography but how many rooms does that cabin have? It’s like the Tardis in there. And you know it’s going to get bloody (and oh boy does it ever) when a further playing of the tape reveals that the only way to destroy the evil dead is…bodily dismemberment! Ewww!

The second film (Evil Dead 2), a partial remake and partial sequel, was made with more money but lacks the pure horror of the first, as embracing the absurdity of the premise, it moved from horror to comedy (and Ash became more invulnerable to the demonic threat).

The third film (Army of Darkness) fully embraced all its cheesy goodness and rule of cool as it almost entirely abandoned horror altogether for dark fantasy comedy, yet utterly glorious as a result (while Ash completed his transition into a virtually indestructible superhero). It follows from the second film, which saw Ash magically transported through time to the Middle Ages (yeah, it’s like that), in medieval Europe or perhaps the Latin kingdoms of the Crusades, where he soon has to face off against an undead army. It had the biggest budget of the original trilogy, as well as being the most well-known and quoted, with its memetic one-liners.

The franchise saw a remake of the original film with the Evil Dead film of 2013 – decent enough but somewhat forgettable as lacking the same pulpy fun and tongue-in-cheek humor of the original. That changed dramatically with the fifth entry into the franchise, Evil Dead Rise in 2023, which returned to the spirit and style of the original trilogy (and Evil Dead mythos) but with its own fun twists – and also perhaps the only Deadite that’s strangely…arousing. Whose your mummy?

The franchise has also seen a TV series, comics adaptations, video games…and a theatre musical?

Groovy!

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

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Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (6) Worst: Commodus

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Dovahhatty – Unbiased HIstory of Rome XIII: The Severan Dynasty

 

 

(6) WORST: COMMODUS –

NERVA-ANTONINE DYNASTY

(180 – 192 AD: 12 YEARS 9 MONTHS 14 DAYS)

 

Aptly enough in matching sixth place entry for the worst Roman emperors as his father Marcus Aurelius is for the best.

His accession was the exact moment Rome went from a kingdom of gold to a kingdom of iron and rust, according to contemporary historian Cassius Dio (and almost literally in the form of him debasing the currency)

I mean, you have seen the gospel according to Ridley Scott – Gladiator – haven’t you? Yes, it’s – ahem – not entirely accurate to history, but it does capture the essence of Commodus, even if that is turned all the way up to eleven (and combined with Caligula) in the film.

Joaquim Phoenix nailed it with a despicably oily performance as Commodus – it’s something he does well, as in the Joker film. Come to think of it, his Joker would adapt reasonably well to Commodus.

In real life, Commodus was not killed in the arena by Maximus, a vengeful ex-general sentenced whose family Commodus had executed but was strangled in his bath by his wrestling partner Narcissus as part of a wider plot. However, if the latter doesn’t smack of symbolism for his reign of dissolute narcissism, I don’t know what does.

He was the first emperor “born in the purple”, that is, as during his father’s reign as emperor, and remained the only one for about two more centuries, as well as the empire’s best advertisement for an imperial line of succession by adoption,

In fairness, “whereas the reign of Marcus Aurelius had been marked by almost continuous warfare, Commodus’ rule was comparatively peaceful in the military sense” – mainly because he flaked out on finishing his father’s wars along the Danube properly – “but was also characterised by political strife and the increasingly arbitrary and capricious behaviour of the emperor himself”.

Not that he was any more interested in peacetime imperial administration than he was in the empire’s military policy – he preferred role playing as Hercules or as a gladiator, the latter more akin to an abattoir for animals (when human gladiators weren’t taking a dive against him), which turned off even the usually bloodthirsty Roman audience.

Edward Gibbon’s title for his chapter on Commodus sums it up – the “cruelty, follies and murder of Commodus”. In it, Gibbon wrote “Commodus had now attained the summit of vice and infamy”.

Also – “But every sentiment of virtue and humanity was extinct in the mind of Commodus. Whilst he thus abandoned the reins of empire to these unworthy favourites, he valued nothing in sovereign power, except the unbounded licence of indulging his sensual appetites”.

 

MAXIMUS

 

He shared his father’s triumphs as Germanicus and Sarmaticus. He claimed the title of Germanicus Maximus from the victories of his generals, and Britannicus from the extension of Roman Britain to the Antonine Wall. Sigh

 

DAMNED & DEIFIED

 

After his death, the Senate declared him a public enemy, albeit without any formal damnatio memoriae. Subsequent emperor Septimus Severus, seeking favor from the family of Marcus Aurelius, had Commodus deified. Sigh.

 

EMPIRE DEBASER

 

According to Cassius Dio, THE empire debaser.

 

DID DOVAHHATTY DO RIGHT?

 

O yes – one of the vilest virgin depiction of any emperor in his unbiased history. Of course, it helps that he depicts the reign of Commodus with tongue in cheek as if Gladiator was real history.

Or does he? Also with tongue in cheek, in his sequel video about the Severan dynasty, he depicts the reign of Commodus again more accurately to recorded history but with Commodus as chad – before joking the “historian Ridley Scott already debunked all this garbage”.

 

RATING: 1 STAR*

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Top Tens – Film: Top 10 Horror Films (2) The Wicker Man

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(2) THE WICKER MAN (1973)

 

No – not the one with the bees, Robin Hardy’s original cult classic “creep-fest starring Edward Woodward and Christopher Lee – with a final reel that’s become an intrinsic piece of horror iconography”.

Of course, it’s slow-burn horror more in the sense of classical tragedy of creeping doom a la Euripides’ The Bacchae (and a stealth sequel to Caesar’s The Gallic Wars). Also a classic in the subgenre of folk horror – horror based on old folklore or old folkloric rituals, typically the pagan faiths of yore as here. While it was most common in Britain in the 1960s and 1970s, it’s surprisingly prevalent, particularly in the so-called folk horror revival in the 2010s – The Wicker Man is predecessor to 2019’s Midsommar.

A Variety article summed it up nicely – “It’s a film set on an island in the Scottish Hebrides, full of gnarly blokes in pubs, that turns out to be a secret sect of Celtic pagan worship. There are dances around the maypole and nymphs leaping through fire, and there is Christopher Lee, sinister in a benevolent sherry-club way, as if he were presiding over a kinky episode of “Fantasy Island,” as the commune’s lord and master. There’s period kitsch in “The Wicker Man,” yet the movie taps into something memorable: a death cult that wears a gleaming smile, as if it were the missing link between Charles Manson’s followers and the Jonestown horde. In spirit, the film takes off from the last scene of “Rosemary’s Baby,” with all those devil worshippers gathered for a party in the Castavets’ apartment — a terrifying vision of middle-class evil. Yet “The Wicker Man” lands, if anything, in an even more unruly place. Watching it, you can’t see the devil, but you can see the scary power of mass belief”.

Also – naked Britt Ekland (and Britt Ekland’s body double) with that infamous wall-slapping seductive dancing and singing.

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

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Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors: (6) Best: Marcus Aurelius

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Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XII: The Five Good Emperors

 

(6) BEST: MARCUS AURELIUS –

NERVA-ANTONINE DYNASTY / FIVE GOOD EMPERORS

(161 – 180 AD: 19 YEARS 10 DAYS)

 

Best known as the Stoic philosopher-emperor and for his Meditations, lending him an aura that sees him as one of the best known Roman emperors in popular culture and public consciousness, as well as one of the best. It’s a rare list of top Roman emperors that does not include him.

And I’m not here to argue otherwise. He was the last of the line nominated as the Five Good Emperors (in what is often styled as the Nerva-Antonine dynasty or perhaps more aptly the Trajanic-Antonine dynasty) , last emperor of Rome’s golden age and victor of the Marcommanic Wars – the most serious incursion into the empire and Italy itself for over two centuries.

The Marcomannic Wars were not the first threat to the empire he had to face – once again the Roman Empire faced the usual tag team of Persians and Germans, fighting the Roman-Parthian War of 161-166 AD with a revitalized Parthian Empire and a rebellious kingdom of Armenia that usually went hand in hand with any conflict with Persia.

The Romans won, with Marcus taking the title Parthicus Maximus – although it was primarily his adoptive brother and co-emperor Lucius Verus and the latter’s generals that had led the campaigns.

However, the Roman-Parthian War also brought something else – the Antonine Plague, originating in Mesopotamia and extending throughout most of the reign of Marcus Aurelius, from 165 AD to 180 AD, estimated to have killed about 10% of the empire’s population but which was particularly destructive to its army.

Ancient chroniclers depicted the impact of the plague on the army as one that saw it “reduced almost to extinction”, which compounded the impact of stripping legions from the Rhine or Danube for the war against Parthia and opened the empire up to the Marcomannic Wars. Marcus Aurelius led the Roman forces against the various invading German tribes through 166 AD to 180 AD, successfully repelling their invasions and restoring the borders of the empire (complicated by the revolt of a major usurper, Avidius Cassius in the eastern empire in 175 AD).

The death of Marcus Aurelius marked the end of Rome’s golden age – or as Roman historian Cassius Dio wrote, the point at which “our history now descends from a kingdom of gold to one of iron and rust”. Most of that was of course Marcus Aurelius’ heir and successor to the empire, his son Commodus – who remains something of a black mark on Marcus Aurelius.

How much blame fairly falls on Marcus Aurelius for his son’s character is another matter, as well as what realistic prospects there were for some alternative succession without civil war, but it was probably best summed up by writer Iain King – that the emperor’s “stoic philosophy – which is about self-restraint, duty, and respect for others – was so abjectly abandoned by the imperial line he anointed on his death”.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

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MAXIMUS:

 

Relatively modest with titles of Armeniacus, Medicus, Germanicus, and Sarmaticus – went all maximus for Parthicus Maximus.

 

DEIFIED:

 

Of course – also virtually a stoic saint!

 

EMPIRE SAVER:

 

Yes – I’m giving him this one for the Marcomannic Wars

 

DID DOVAHATTY DO RIGHT

 

One of the five chad emperors.

Top Tens – Films: Top 10 Horror Films (3) Jaws

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The iconic film poster art

 

 

(3) JAWS (1975)

 

DA-DUM

 

The original and still the best shark horror movie – as well as the source of my enduring fandom of shark movies. And yet I still go swimming at the beach most days in summer and warm days in winter. Of course, there’s not too many giant great white sharks at my beach. I hope.

Based on the best-selling novel by Peter Benchley, it is one of those rare examples where the movie exceeds the book – because the film skipped all the small-town drama (Matt Hooper has an affair with Sheriff Brody’s wife?!) which one skipped over for the shark attacks when reading the book anyway.

It was fortuitous that the mechanical sharks, nicknamed Bruce, malfunctioned more often than not, as they were not terribly realistic (I’ve seen the one at the Hollywood Universal Studios tour), but more importantly, they forced director Steven Spielberg to substitute effects designed at suggesting the shark’s presence – including the now iconic ominous and minimalist orchestral theme by composer John Williams. These effects tend to be more tense (and haunting) than the actual appearance of the shark.

The plot – including effects, images and lines from the film – is ingrained into popular culture, revolving around the film’s antagonist, the giant great white shark preying on people in the waters of Amity Island. (Although the town’s mayor becomes something of a secondary antagonist, as he doesn’t seem to mind the shark chowing down on tourists so long as they’ve spent those delicious tourist dollars in the town first). A trio famously formed to hunt the shark – police sheriff Brody, marine biologist Hooper and everyone’s favorite insane professional shark hunter Ahab Quint.

“Now considered one of the greatest films ever made, Jaws was the prototypical summer blockbuster, with its release regarded as a watershed moment in motion picture history. Jaws became the highest-grossing film of all time until the release of Star Wars”.

Not bad for a simple shark horror movie.

 

RATING: 4 STARS***

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Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors: (7) Worst: Caracalla

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Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XIII: The Severan Dynasty

 

(7) WORST: CARACALLA –
SEVERAN DYNASTY
(211 – 217 AD: 6 YEARS 2 MONTHS 4 DAYS)

 

You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry – the Incredible Hulk of the Roman Empire, not in superhuman strength but in violent temper, smashing his way from one end of the empire to another.

One of two entries from the terrible Severan dynasty in my top ten worst emperors, Lucius Septimus Bassianus – or as he is known to history, Caracalla, his nickname from the cloak he wore while cosplaying as a soldier. What is it with two of the worst Roman emperors being nicknamed for their clothing (and military cosplay clothing at that)…?

Technically he reigned as co-emperor with his father (and founder of the Severan dynasty) Septimus Severus from 198 AD and then with his younger brother Geta as well from 209 AD. His father died in February 211 AD and his brother died in December 211 – the latter with a little help from Caracalla. Or a lot of help, as Caracalla orchestrated Geta’s murder by the Praetorian Guard – worse in the guise that Caracalla had their mother Julia Domna arrange a peace meeting with his brother in her apartments, thus depriving Geta of his bodyguards, and then had him murdered in her arms.

Low blow, bro – although their mother got over it, obviously reconciling herself with the thought that one live imperial son in the hand was better than a dead one in damnation memoria (which Caracalla of course had the Senate decree for Geta). Indeed, she essentially ran Caracalla’s imperial administration for him, as he found it too boring.

What he didn’t find boring was lavishing attention on the military and playing as a soldier in the provinces. And by lavishing attention, I mean spending money and debasing the currency to do it. The denarius? Caracalla smash! He instituted another coin for Rome’s currency but debased that too.

That is, when he was taking time off from his purges and massacres, including his infamous purge of Geta’s supporters and his equally infamous massacre of the inhabitants of Alexandria because he was insulted by a play about him in that city.

One seemingly positive achievement was that he did decree all free men (with certain exceptions) as Roman citizens, thereafter puzzling historians as to his motives, although it is usually attributed to extending the tax base.

In fairness, he also did a reasonable job at shoring up the empire against Germanic tribes along the Rhine and Danube. On the other hand, the latter part of his reign was spent entirely away from Rome, starting with an ongoing tour of the provinces, reputed to bankrupt provincial governments with his extravagant expenses. It was this that prompted Edward Gibbon to write that “every province was by turn the scene of his rapine and cruelty”. That’s metaphorical rapine I presume, although you never know with the bad Roman emperors.

He then obsessively began playing as Alexander the Great, to the point of starting a war with Persia’s Parthian Empire by a Red Wedding style of massacre (although the accounts vary), which may have indirectly played a part in the rise of the Sassanids that followed as a rod for the empire’s back – and definitely played a part in a knife for his own, as he was assassinated during his war with Parthia.

“Caracalla has had a reputation as being among the worst of Roman emperors, a perception that survives even into modern works…historian David Magie describes Caracalla, in the book Roman Rule in Asia Minor, as brutal and tyrannical and points towards psychopathy as an explanation for his behaviour”.

 

MAXIMUS:

 

Britannicus Maximus mooching off his father’s campaign but he got Germannicus Maximus on his own

 

DEIFIED:

 

Dude should have had a damnatio memoriae but got deified instead. I mean, they’d deify anyone those days.

 

DID DOVAHHATTY DO RIGHT?

 

Yeah – this is one of a number of emperors that Dovahhatty has his tongue firmly in his parody cheek by depicting them as the chads they proclaimed themselves to be. Indeed, most of them are in my top ten worst emperors, so I’m going to keep a running score of them from here on. Parody chads – Caracalla. Check.

 

RATING: 1 STAR*
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EMPIRE DEBASER

Top Tens – Films: Top 10 Horror Films (4) Dead & Buried

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Film poster art

 

(4) DEAD & BURIED (1981)

 

And now for one of my true guilty pleasures, as things continue along the schlockier and more idiosyncratic vein of my fifth place entry – but hot damn, I have a soft spot for this film, ever since I stumbled upon it. Yes, it’s somewhat obscure and off the beaten cinematic track. It had a decent enough scriptwriting pedigree – written by the writers of Alien – but it didn’t perform well at the box office and was even initially banned as a “video nasty” in the United Kingdom, yet acquired something of a cult following.

It’s a zombie film with a bit of a difference – and a hell of a few twists, particularly a “twist ending that would give M. Night Shyamalan a run for his money”. Grisly mob lynchings start being committed against tourists passing through the small, sleepy peaceful New England town of Potter’s Bluff, only for the victims to then appear again in the town – while the sheriff investigates, drawn from one level of existential horror to another.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (7) Best: Probus

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Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome: Diocletian’s Tetrarchy

 

(7) BEST: PROBUS –
NON-DYNASTIC / CRISIS OF THE THIRD CENTURY
(276 – 283 AD: 6 YEARS 3 MONTHS)

 

Usually overlooked among Roman emperors, Probus deserves to be hailed with Aurelian as the saviors of the empire in the Crisis of the Third Century – one of “the soldier emperors who saved Rome”. Although Aurelian got the empire through the worst of the third century, the empire may well still have fallen apart under the onslaught of new invasions and revolts without an emperor such as Probus at the helm.

Probus was one of so-called Illyrian emperors, hailing from the region of Illyricum or other Danubian provinces as the core of the Roman army, that renewed the Roman empire, most immediately in its third century crisis, but which also were its best emperors for the next three centuries. The Illyrian emperors usually rose to prominence and served with distinction as military commanders in succession – indeed, Probus had reconquered Egypt from Zenobia in Aurelian’s war against the breakaway Palmyrene Empire – and it was said that he had “fought with success on almost every frontier of the empire” before he rose to emperor.

The Crisis of the Third Century still loomed large in other internal revolts, as well as barbarian invasions of the empire and the enduring threat of the Sassanid Persians.

It was particularly for the latter that Probus had been appointed supreme commander of the east by his imperial predecessor Tacitus and was in camp in Asia Minor when his troops rallied for him as emperor when Tacitus died. After first defeating his rival claimant Florianus (the half-brother of his predecessor), he campaigned west to defeat the Goths along the Danube.

He and his generals then campaigned in Gaul to defeat the barbarians that had invaded the empire – Alemanni, Franks, Burgundians and Lugii (reputedly 400,000 of them and the entire tribe of Lugii were wiped out during his campaigns) – and claiming the titles of Germanicus Maximus and Gothicus Maximus. After defeating the barbarians who had invaded Gaul, he then crossed the Rhine to campaign successfully against the barbarians in their homelands and restore the fortifications of the defensive line constructed by Hadrian between the Rhine and the Danube.

Probus wasn’t done yet – he fought the Vandals at the Danube (including defending his home province of Illyria), his generals defeated the desert nomad Blemmyes in Egypt, and he defeated usurpers or revolts in the west including, as usual, Britain.

In the meantime, he had also sought to cultivate and extend the army’s discipline, above all by his principle of never allowing soldiers to be idle and engaging them in civic works to reconstruct the empire when not in combat (planting vineyards, repairing bridges or canals, draining marshes and so on). He did something similar by a tribute of manpower from vanquished barbarian tribes, establishing the precedent of settling barbarians within the empire as auxiliaries on a large scale, albeit a precedent that was not as successful under subsequent emperors.

It was reputed that he even lamented the necessity of a standing army or soldiers, anticipating a future in which Rome’s enemies had been defeated so that its army would not be necessary – but first he had to deal with the Sassanids and was preparing for an eastern campaign against them when he was assassinated, with some sources attributing it to disgruntled soldiers rebelling against their orders for civic works or overhearing his laments.

“Probus was an active and successful general as well as a conscientious administrator, and in his reign of six years he secured prosperity for the inner provinces while withstanding repeated invasions of barbarian tribes on almost every sector of the frontier. After repelling the foreign enemies of the empire, Probus was forced to handle several internal revolts but demonstrated leniency and moderation to the vanquished wherever possible.”

He was also diligent in respecting the authority of the Senate and hailed by Gibbon as “the last of the benevolent constitutional emperors of Rome” – with the Senate never again playing an active role in the management of the empire under his successors.

 

MAXIMUS

 

Gothicus Maximus and Germanics Maximus – he celebrated a triumph in Rome in 281.

 

DEIFICATION OR DAMNATION

 

Deified!

 

EMPIRE-SAVER

 

The Illyrians saved the empire!

 

DID DOVAHHATTY DO RIGHT?

 

Damn right – with Probus as chad in the prelude to the Tetrarchy

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
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Top Tens – Films: Top 10 Horror Films (5) The Hitcher

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(5) THE HITCHER (1986)

 

Things are about to get a whole lot…schlockier (and more idiosyncratic) in my top five horror films. But as I like to say, there’s no such thing as a bad B-grade horror film. (Although I’m not entirely sure that there’s such a thing as an A-grade horror film either).

 

It’s not exactly high art – indeed, it’s mostly exploitative – but there’s just something about The Hitcher, a “road action-horror” film with Rutger Hauer in the title role (or Sean Bean if you saw the remake but you really should have watched the original).

The plot is simple enough – a young man driving across the United States narrowly escapes death at the hands of the titular hitcher, a travelling serial killer, but then finds himself in a weirdly co-dependent cat-and-mouse game with the killer. Like many slasher films, the killer (who goes by the name of John Ryder), is not supernatural, but seemingly comes close in his invulnerability and his ability to shadow the protagonist.

Or in this case, Hauer seems to be replicating his replicant role from Blade Runner (and as usual, Hauer is awesome in this). As I have argued with a friend who insists upon classifying every SF film as action – if you want to see a non-SF action The Terminator, see The Hitcher. (My usual sarcastic line when he states The Terminator is action not SF – “Really? The film with its entire premise as a cyborg travelling in time back from a future Robot War isn’t SF?!)

As a bonus (at least according to TV Tropes), the film was inspired by The Doors’ song Riders on the Storm – “There’s a killer on the road / His brain is squirming like a toad / Take a long holiday / Let the children play / If you give this man a ride / Sweet family will die”. Even more so as the film opens on the road in a storm and the Hitcher gives his name as John Ryder.

 

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (8) Worst: Constantine II

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Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XVII: Imperial Wrath

 

 

(8) WORST: CONSTANTINE II –

CONSTANTINIAN DYNASTY

(337 – 340: 2 YEARS 7 MONTHS)

 

A whiny little toad, who tried to usurp his younger brother and got pawned instead.

Letting his father’s name down, Constantine II spent his time whining that he didn’t get more than the western third of empire he got in 337 AD as one of three brothers because he was the eldest.

He was of course fine with his brother Constantius – the one who actually got things done – doing the dirty work of whittling down their father’s male relatives in what is known as the massacre of the princes so the three brothers could inherit their father’s empire. He just thought he was entitled to more of it. Constans got the central third, including Italy, while Constantius got the eastern third – you know, the third fighting the Persian Sassanids.

So Constantine bullied his younger brother and ward Constans as an easy target. And yes – I said ward, because Constantius had designated Constantine II the guardian of Constans until Constans came of age.

Constantine II successfully bullied Constans into giving him part of Africa but squabbled over Constans retaining Carthage, refused to relinquish his guardianship when Constans turned eighteen, and just tried to usurp Constans instead, marching into Italy with his troops in 340 AD.

Only to be ambushed and killed by the forces of Constans – not even by Constans or his main forces, but by a detachment of troops Constans sent ahead of himself and his main forces while taking care of imperial business in Dacia, fighting actual enemies of Rome.

Congratulations, Constantine II – you played yourself.

Constans then got his brother’s third of the empire, consisting of Hispania, Gaul and Britain

 

MAXIMUS

 

Yeah, right.

 

DEIFICATION OR DAMNATION

 

No damnation or deification as far as I’m aware

 

EMPIRE DEBASER

 

I’ve gone with empire debaser for him – it can’t be said that he broke or debauched the empire, but I think it can be said he debased it. His father had fought to unify the empire and eliminate usurpers – only for Constantine II and his brothers to divide it, compounded by him trying to usurp his brother’s realm – preempting the successful usurpation of Constans by Magnentius a decade later.

 

DID DOVAHHATTY DO RIGHT?

 

Yeah – Dovahhatty does it right, ranking him as a virgin, as in my feature image.

 

RATING: 1 STAR*

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