Top Tens – Fantasy & SF: Top 10 SF Books (Special Mention) (10) Hayford Peirce – “Iceback Invasion”

Cover of the hardcover edition of Peirce’s short story collection “With a Bang and Other Forbidden Delights” – the edition I own. Yes, I have no idea what’s going on in that cover art either

 

 

(10) HAYFORD PEIRCE –

“ICEBACK INVASION” (1979)

Hayford Pierce earns this entry on the back (heh) of the ironic near-future SF satire of his 1979 story (for Omni magazine) “Iceback Invasion”. In it, sparring Cold War superpowers, the United States and the Soviet Union, are each groaning on the point of total collapse and being eclipsed by the rising Chinese-Japanese co-prosperity sphere and European Union. The leaders of the Soviet Union conceive a last-ditch plan to bring down the United States (reasoning “what, short of nuclear war, can they actually do to us?”), using illegal Russian immigration – the titular ‘iceback’ invasion – to subvert American elections and politics, but which backfires spectacularly.

When including it in his 2005 short story collection With a Bang and Other Forbidden Delights, Peirce opined that it had not dated well, projected as it was from the United States of the 1970’s (and not least failing to anticipate the fall of the Soviet Union on its own). However, he may have misjudged that, as much of it was to prove surprisingly resonant even forty years later – particularly the scenes in the American cabinet, where President Martinez bemoans “the end of the Republic as we know it” (prompting Secretary of State Richard XYZ to exclaim that reparations to Africa are being paid on time). President Martinez’s exclamation is due to the state of readiness – or lack thereof – for the armed forces, despite the budget of a trillion dollars and Defence Secretary Mildred Haggleman proudly announcing it to be an “exceptionally well-equalized army”, although his concern is for “the potential dangers of a military coup”.

Pierce was probably accurate in his 2005 assessment when he opined “there’s enough black humor in here to keep it amusing two decades later, along with enough bare-knuckles satire to offend just about everyone”.

RATING:
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – Fantasy & SF: Top 10 SF Books (Special Mention) (9) James Tiptree Jr – “The Screwfly Solution”

Cover of James Tiptree Jr story anthology Her Smoke Rose Up Forever including the title story and “The Screwfly Solution”, by Tachyon Publications in 2004, paperback edition – the edition I own

 

 

(9) JAMES TIPTREE JR –

“THE SCREWFLY SOLUTION”

James Tiptree Jr was actually the pen name for Alice Bradley Sheldon, one of my favorite writers of science fiction stories, with her own distinctive voice.

She also had some of the most evocative and lyrical titles for her short stories – “And I Awoke and Found Me Here on the Cold Hill’s Side” (although technically she borrowed her title from John Keats’ La Belle Dame Sans Merci) and “Your Faces, O My Sisters! Your Faces Filled of Light!” are two of my favorite titles as well as stories.

However, the title of my favorite Tiptree story is not so lyrical – with its prosaic title of “The Screwfly Solution” – but is as evocative and haunting as any of her more lyrically titled stories. Its subject is also not so lyrical, that recurring SF trope of alien invasion. As I have said elsewhere, SF is still all Morlocks and Martians to me, with the latter evidenced by my soft spot for alien invasion stories. Of course, in the most realistic alien invasion stories, spacefaring aliens would have such technological advantages over us that they would wipe the floor with us, metaphorically speaking – to such extent that we may not even perceive the invasion, as in this story.

The title references the sterile insect technique, a technique of eradicating the population of screwflies by the release of sterilized males that compete with fertile males to reduce the population – a reference made clearer by one of its characters, Alan, a scientist working on parasite eradication. However, in this story, we’re the screwflies, but with a much more violent distortion of human sexuality – as an epidemic of murderous male violence against women starts to spread across the globe. Some scientists suspect a biological cause, but their voices are not heard amidst political inaction, or worse, elaborate misogynistic rationalizations for the violence. One such rationalization is a new religious movement that is spreading along with the murders – the Sons of Adam, who believe that all women are evil and that removing them will return the world to paradise, when angels shall return to earth.Alan realizes that the epidemic causes male sexual impulses to instead become violent homicidal impulses and he too is infected. His wife Anne flees to the Canadian wilderness where, in the end, pursued by an entire society bent on femicide, she sees one of the ‘angels’ that will inherit the Earth.

There is also an annual James Tiptree Jr Award for works of fantasy or science fiction in a similar vein to her stories.

RATING:
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – Fantasy & SF: Top 10 SF Books (Special Mention) (8) Robert Sheckley – Options

Cover of the Pan Science Fiction paperback edition – the edition I own

 

 

(8) ROBERT SHECKLEY –

OPTIONS (1975)

One of science fiction’s most unsung qualities, particularly to those not familiar with the genre, is the extent to which it can be a profoundly comic or satirical medium, often subversively so – which is ironic given that comic science fiction is perhaps the most accessible to readers outside the genre.

Robert Sheckley was primarily a humorist of science fiction, typically writing absurdist and satirical comedies with a thin veneer of a science fictional premise or setting. Sheckley’s “numerous quick-witted stories and novels were famously unpredictable, absurdist and broadly comical”.

Sheckley shone through his playful short stories. My personal favorites are his absurdist satires of human mores, typically through the lens of alien observers or human societies on other planets. One such is “Pilgrimage to Earth”, in which humanity’s home planet, exhausted of its material resources to offer its former space colonies, resorts to space tourism for more intangible commodities – “Earth specializes in impracticalities such as madness, beauty, war, intoxication, purity, horror and the like, and people come from light-years away to sample these wares”. Wares such as romantic love – as a vendor exclaims, other planets have tried it and found it too expensive or unsettling, but Earth specializes in the impractical and makes it pay.

However, it is in Sheckley’s longer fiction that we find more extended satires or absurdist comedies from science fiction premise – which brings us to my favorite Sheckley novella, the absurdist and anarchic Options, in which Sheckley plays with story itself. It starts off in a reasonably linear narrative, in a comedic play on an classic pulp science fiction premise – ostensibly about the marooned protagonist Tom Mishkin’s attempt to get a spare part for his spaceship stored in a cache on an alien planet. To protect him, he is assigned a Special Purpose Environmental Response or SPER robot.

Unfortunately, the robot is programmed for another planet. However, that premise becomes an increasingly loose framing device as the non-linear narrative descends into a mass of diversions, non sequiturs and musings – “a deliberate cosmic shambles, an explosion or disintegration of story logic, a comedy of cliches and crossed lines, and a joke on the very act of story-telling”.

RATING:
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Monday Night Mojo – Top 10 Music (Mojo & Funk): Special Mention (Mojo) (5) The Smiths – How Soon is Now

 

 

(5) MOJO: THE SMITHS (MORRISEY) – HOW SOON IS NOW (1984)

B-Side: Disappointed (1988)

 

“And you go home and you cry

And you want to die”

 

Well that pretty much sums up the common perception of The Smiths, depression tempered by apathy, or melancholy tempered by ennui. As an acquaintance of mine once quipped, summing up the ambience of The Smiths as “I’d kill myself if I could be bothered”. However, that is something of a misplaced stereotype of the Smiths and lead singer Morrissey (yet another musical artist known by his mononym) as ‘miserabilists’, albeit with an element of truth. While Morrissey’s combination of witty lyrics and campy vocals often seemed (or outright were) superficially depressing, they also often full of self-deprecatory or mordant sense of humor. They were also combined with guitarist Johnny Marr’s jangly, catchy pop-rock melodies.

Introducing its leading lights, Morrissey and Marr, effectively introduces The Smiths – that quintessentially British (albeit led by Morrissey and Marr of Irish origin) alternative or indie rock band that endured from 1982 to its breakup in 1987 or effectively as long as the rest of the band could put up with Morrissey (and something which has increasingly been difficult for the rest of the world to do whenever he opens his mouth to do anything but sing). But while it endured and since, The Smiths have been a cult favorite and one of the most important or influential bands to emerge from the British independent music scene of the 1980’s.

 

“I am the son

And the heir

Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar”

 

And which other Smiths song to choose than “How Soon is Now”? Ironically, it was originally released in 1984 as the B-side of another single, it has since become something of a Smiths signature song – noted by Marr to be their “most enduring record” and “most people’s favorite”, which is also ironic as many consider it not to be representative of the band’s usual style.

Of course, some may recognize the song from 1996 film The Craft – and from there it seems to have been associated with young witches such that it also was the theme song of the television series Charmed.

And for the B-side of this entry, I’ll choose something from Morrissey’s (early, more Smiths-like) solo career – the highlights of which are in his compilation album Bona Drag. And while I was tempted towards “November Spawned A Monster”, mainly due to its music video of three minutes of Morrisey writhing in a mesh-shirt (in the desert), I ultimately went with my favorite “Disappointed”, which was not released as a single.

 

“Drank too much

And I said too much

And there’s nowhere to go but down”

 

After all, who hasn’t been there?

 

And as for the balance of my Top 10 The Smiths / Morrisey songs:

(3) Suedehead (1988)

(4) Every Day is Like Sunday (1988)

(5) November Spawned a Monster (1990)

(6) What Difference Does It Make (1984)

(7) Bigmouth Strikes Again (1986)

(8) Panic (1986)

(9) Shoplifters of the World Unite (1987)

(10) Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before (1987)

 

RATING: 

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – Fantasy & SF: Top 10 SF Books (Special Mention): (7) Richard Matheson – I am Legend

Recurring cover art for the book (or in a similar style), which seems to originate from the Gollanz SF Masterworks edition

 

 

(7) RICHARD MATHESON –

I AM LEGEND (1954)

Richard Matheson was legend.

A legend of fantasy, science fiction and horror – writing novels, short stories and scripts or screenplays.

I’m tempted to give this entry to his most famous work to Nightmare at 20,000 Feet, arguably the most iconic Twilight Zone episode, but really in the end there can only be one – his 1954 novel I am Legend.

Forget the Will Smith film or any other cinematic adaptation, all of which vary in their faithfulness to the novel and its lone survivor protagonist Robert Neville – which were a major influence and precursor to the zombie apocalypse. Except of course in I am Legend, it was a vampire apocalypse. Robert Neville is apparently the lone survivor (at least in Los Angeles) of a pandemic, in which the victims resemble classical vampires. At night, swarms of them surround his house. During the day, he stakes them and forages supplies.

And the novel’s central twist is in his titular legendary status. Spoiler warning from 1954 – his cozy vampire-killing post-apocalyptic routine is disrupted when he finds an apparently uninfected woman, Ruth. He takes her in, but is surprised to learn that she is actually infected. What’s more, she is one of a population of infected that have slowly recovered, rebuilding human society and developing medication to overcome the worst symptoms of infection (such as those of the feral vampires that swarm his house). Indeed, she is an agent sent to apprehend him. And as that new society apprehends him (for execution), he learns the irony underlying the title – to the new society, he is the monster stalking and slaying them. They view him as he previously viewed the feral vampires, a remnant of old humanity now a monstrous legend to the new humanity.

Again – but really, do yourself a favor and help yourself to his other works, particularly his short stories – which offer cracking good reads that lodge themselves in your mind afterwards. Indeed, I could (and should) do a Richard Matheson Top 10

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – Fantasy & SF: Top 10 SF Books (Special Mention) (6) Ray Bradbury – The Martian Chronicles

The classic cover art by one of my favorite fantasy & SF artists, Michael Whelan – it’s only part of his full art, which I believe some books featured as a wraparound cover (fair use)

 

 

(6) RAY BRADBURY –
THE MARTIAN CHRONICLES (1950)

When I think of Mars, I still dream of the Mars of Ray Bradbury’s The Martian Chronicles (with one or two other fictional exceptions).

The Mars of Ray Bradbury is not a scientific Mars – a cold, dead planet – but a mythic Mars, an eternal planet of dreams.  Of course, Ray Bradbury identified himself not as a writer of science fiction, but as a writer of fantasy, particularly by reference to The Martian Chronicles – “Science fiction is a depiction of the real. Fantasy is a depiction of the unreal. So Martian Chronicles is not science fiction, it’s fantasy. It couldn’t happen, you see? That’s the reason it’s going to be around a long time – because it’s a Greek myth and myths have staying power.”

The Martian Chronicles are stories of the human and markedly American colonization of Mars in a manner analogous to the frontier, with the native Martians akin to the native Americans (a parallel that would also be played for laughs in Futurama).

Indeed, my very favorite Martian Chronicles stories involved the native Martians – those dark-skinned, golden-eyed Martians, those telepathic and empathic shape-shifting Martians. In “Ylla”, the titular frustrated Martian wife has telepathic dreams of the incoming astronauts of humanity’s first expedition to Mars. Her jealous husband denies her dreams, but senses her inchoate romantic feelings towards the interlopers and shoots them under pretext of hunting.

By the time of humanity’s third similarly doomed expedition to Mars in “The Third Expedition” or “Mars is Heaven”, the Martians have become more hostile than Ylla’s telepathic tryst, perhaps in a telepathic premonition of their own doom at the hands of humanity. The expedition finds an exact replica of a town from Earth, populated by their lost, loved ones – who lure them into the houses and then bury them the following day, shifting between their human and Martian forms. The Martians’ doom had come in any event, as the fourth expedition finds the Martians all dead from chicken pox.

And yet the Martians have their ghost dance on Mars. In “The Night Meeting”, a human colonist encounters a Martian, with both of them seeming to inhabit their own parallel worlds of Mars. Each is translucent to the other and has the appearance of a ghost – the colonist sees only ruins where the Martian sees a thriving Martian city, and the Martian sees only an ocean where the colonist sees his settlement. In “The Martian”, a sole surviving Martian empathically takes the shape of a colonist couple’s dead son, but is tragically torn apart by contact with more human colonists, exhausted from helplessly shifting shapes to all their hopes and dreams of lost loved ones. And in “Dark They Were and Golden Eyed”, human colonists are transformed into Martians.

Ultimately, the human colonists have their own ghost dance, as Mars is decolonized by nuclear war on Earth. In “There Will Come Soft Rains”, an automated house on Earth continues to perform its daily duties, even while the family’s silhouettes are permanently burned into the side of the house. And in “Million Years Picnic”, the father of a family that has fled the war to Mars shows them the Martians, their own reflections in a canal.

RATING:
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – Fantasy & SF: Top 10 SF Books (Special Mention) (5) L. Sprague de Camp – Lest Darkness Fall

The somewhat cheesy Mass Market paperback edition on Amazon (and also historically inaccurate since the book is set in Ostrogothic Italy) – all covers I’ve seen for editions of the book are cheesy (fair use)

 

 

(5) L. SPRAGUE DE CAMP –

LEST DARKNESS FALL (1939)

 

Sprague de Camp is sadly somewhat obscure these days, despite being a major figure – and prolific writer – of the so-called Golden Age of Science Fiction in the 1930’s and 1940’s, chumming around with better remembered writers such as Robert Heinlein and Isaac Asimov.

His novella Lest Darkness Fall has had more lasting influence, at least for my enduring love of alternate histories, particularly alternate histories created by time travelers from our own time. Written in 1939, it “is certainly one of the earliest and most influential” of the alternate history genre.

Visiting the Pantheon in Rome, protagonist Martin Padway finds himself transported by a mysterious storm to sixth century Rome – and sets out to singlehandedly stave off the impending Dark Ages. The western Roman Empire has fallen, but the Ostrogothic Kingdom that has replaced it in Italy is suitably stable for Padway’s purpose.

Fortunately, Padway is a capable individual for this tall task – I’d have been royally screwed. For one thing, he is a scholar of the period (hence his visit to Rome) and speaks Latin. He also knows double-entry bookkeeping – which, with his knowledge of Arabic numerals, he shares with a Roman moneylender to borrow money without the usual usurious Roman rates. He also knows how to distil brandy, which allows him to create his own profitable business. And so on, through using his money to create, by trial and error, the technologies of communication to prevent the Dark Ages, while becoming increasingly involved in politics and war to preserve the Ostrogothic kingdom from its opponents, particularly the encroaching eastern Roman Empire.

As I said, Lest Darkness Fall inspired my long-lasting love for alternate histories, particularly alternate histories through time travel, which become even more fun when you don’t just send individuals back in time, but whole groups or even towns – such as John Birmingham’s Axis of Time trilogy (in which a twenty-first century naval battle group is transported back to the Battle of Midway and find themselves fighting a very different Second World War) or Eric Flint’s 1632 series (in which the whole town of Grantsville in modern Virginia finds itself transported back to Germany in the Thirty Years War).

And as a side note, similarly to de Camp in Lest Darkness Fall, Asimov retold the history of the fall of the Roman Empire, but as future history rather than alternate history in his Foundation series – and his Galactic Empire would in turn seem to be an influence on the similar Empire in Star Wars).

Close runners-up are his light fantasy Harold Shea or Compleat Enchanter stories, written in collaboration with Fletcher Pratt. The premise of those stories is that the protagonist and companions use symbolic logic or the ‘mathematics of magic’ to travel to parallel worlds in which fantasy, myths and legends are real – Norse mythology, Edmund Spenser’s The Faerie Queene (where Shea meets his wife Belphebe), Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s Kublai Khan, Ludovico Ariosto’s Orlando Furioso, the Finnish Kavela and Irish mythology. These stories had a certain resonance for me as they seemed to symbolize the magic of reading fantasy itself.

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – Fantasy & SF: Top 10 SF Books (Special Mention) (4) Warhammer 40k

Cover of the Warhammer Space Marine video game released in 2011 (fair use)

 

 

(4) WARHAMMER 40K (1987 – PRESENT)

 

Forget the power of technology and science, for so much has been forgotten, never to be re-learned.
Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for in the grim darkness of the far future there is only war.
There is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsting gods.

Warhammer 40,000 – usually known as Warhammer 40K – is the closest SF equivalent to Dungeons and Dragons, in terms of a game encapsulating its genre. It doesn’t have quite the same breadth of encyclopedic treatment of genre themes and tropes as Dungeons and Dragons, given that it is confined to its space opera setting. But what a setting!

“Warhammer 40,000 is your Standard Sci Fi Setting injected with a cocktail of every drug known to man and genuine lunar dust, stuck in a blender with Alien, Mechwarrior, Starship Troopers, Star Wars, and teeny, tiny sprinkles of Judge Dredd and 2000AD, embellished with spikes and prayer scrolls, bathed in blood and turned up to Eleventy Zillion (and then set on fire). Twice. With 8ft chainsaws.”

Although I’m surprised that quotation doesn’t reference Dune along with Star Wars – as well as Nemesis from 2000 AD, with that storyline’s Termight Empire led by the supremely xenophobic Torquemada. Not to mention the obvious influences of H.P. Lovecraft and J.R.R. Tolkien – but they’re obvious influences on almost everything in fantasy or SF. Also apparently Paradise Lost according to the game’s creator.

Warhammer 40K drew heavily on its publisher’s previous fantasy game Warhammer – hence the name – but has long since diverted from and totally eclipsed its fantasy predecessor. Whereas the fantasy game had a smattering of optional SF elements – primarily advanced technological weaponry as artefacts or relics left behind by a long-gone race of spacefarers – the SF game went further in the opposite direction, space opera fantasy in the style of Star Wars or SF with substantial fantasy elements.

“It adapts a number of tropes from fantasy fiction, such as magic, supernatural beings, daemonic possession, and fantasy races such as orcs and elves; ‘psykers’ fill the role of wizards in the setting”.

Its setting and plot is far too complex for a single entry – indeed, it could easily be its own top ten (or several top ten lists, given the volume of game material) – but stands out for the grim darkness of its tagline, which has evolved into a meme, as has much else in the game.

As its title indicates, it is about 40,000 years or so in the future. Humanity has a galactic empire (yay!) but that empire sucks (boo!), although the galaxy beyond that empire sucks even more – factions and forces against which the Imperium of Man is desperately trying to hold the line, against overwhelming odds in the long run.

That’s pretty much it. Oh sure – there’s the basic plot summary from Wikipedia:

“The setting of Warhammer 40,000 is violent and pessimistic. It depicts a future where human scientific and social progress have ceased, and human civilisation is in a state of total war with hostile alien races and occult forces. It is a setting where the supernatural exists, is powerful, and is usually untrustworthy if not outright malevolent. There are effectively no benevolent gods or spirits in the cosmos, only daemons and evil gods, and the cults dedicated to them are proliferating. In the long run, the Imperium of Man cannot hope to defeat its enemies, so the heroes of the Imperium are not fighting for a brighter future but raging against the dying of the light.”

Or the evocative summation from TV Tropes – “the most basic summation of the game’s plot is that our galaxy has been twisted into an unfathomable horror where an eternal, impossibly vast conflict occurs between several absurdly powerful genocidal, xenocidal, and (in at least one case) omnicidal factions, with every single weapon, ideology, and creative piece of nastiness imaginable cranked to an outlandish extreme… and even it has a Hell”

Perhaps the most interesting aspects of the game are its factions – foremost among the Imperium of Man as the default human protagonist faction. As previously mentioned, it sucks – an absurdly dysfunctional, paranoid, fascist theocratic state under the God-Emperor of Mankind, who now resembles some bizarre combination of mummified Egyptian pharaoh and Aztec god sustained by thousands of daily sacrifices.

The imperial cult holds sway throughout the empire – enforced by “a futuristic Inquisition” that ruthlessly hunts down anyone with even the slightest taint of the heretic, the mutant, or the alien, even going as far as destroying entire planets, just to be sure.

Science and technology have stagnated – “partly because they are treated with fear, ignorance and magical superstition” and partly because of “the Adeptus Mechanicus, the secretive, deranged machine cult that maintains the Imperium’s technological base. The latter have a point though, as technology is a portal for daemonic corruption – and The Warp, a corrupted parallel dimension connected to the material universe that provides the Imperium’s lifeblood as its only means of faster-than-light Travel, is incredibly dangerous.”

And then you have the forces of the Imperium holding the line – “the Space Marines (capricious, fanatical, genetically engineered Knight Templar Super Soldiers) and the Sisters of Battle (equally fanatical, pyromaniacal battle nuns) serve as the Imperium’s special forces, while the Imperial Guard, its at least trillions-strong regular army, takes disregard for human life to new and interesting extremes”.

For all its obvious dystopian dysfunction, the game publishers have to keep reminding fans that the Imperium’s “fascist totalitarianism is bad” – partly because they tend to be the point of view faction in game material, partly because they are indeed often awesome and cool in humanity’s last stand desperately holding the line, and partly because all other major factions are as bad, if not far worse.

You have the Aeldari or space elves, the Tyranids who consume everything else into themselves, the Necrons seeking to wipe out all organic life, the Orks modelled on fantasy orcs – and looming hungrily behind them all, the daemonic forces of Chaos.

Not bad for a game that primarily consists of miniatures or models, albeit with rulebooks – hence the special mention here.

Like many others, I don’t play the game – which seems to involve substantial expenditure of time and money in the ever-proliferating miniatures that are the basic components of gameplay – but enjoy the lore, of which there is an incredible volume beyond the game, not least in published tie-in books and comics.

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****
S-TIER (GOD-TIER – OR IS THAT GOD-EMPEROR TIER?)

Top Tens – Girls of History: Top 10

The scene from the 1989 film Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, which I quote for the reference to historical babes

 

 

GIRLS OF HISTORY: TOP 10

 

“Bill: We gotta go, this is a history report, not a babe report!

Ted: But Bill, those are historical babes!”

 

That’s right – once again, I can find Fantasy Girls in anything.

Similarly to my Girls of Mythology, this is something of a personal novelty list, as my Girls of History don’t tend to have the same art or cosplay as my usual Fantasy Girls in popular culture – the holy trinity of comics, video games and anime of course, but also animation or fantasy and SF.

Although you may be surprised at the name recognition of the more distinctive girls of history and perhaps even more surprisingly, at the extent to which they do feature in popular culture, notably comics, film or television.

Also, comics artist Simon Bisley has done an awesome art collection of women from history, which features quite a few of my top ten entries. You can find it on his official website but I don’t feature any of it here, with one exception tightly cropped for fair use under copyright and because the full image is too racy, the same reasons that I don’t feature anything else from the collection.

While on the subject of art, there’s also a surprisingly prolific subculture of historical comics art on X or Twitter, usually featuring historical babes, by artists such as Gambargin, Centuriichan (a name shared with her signature female Roman legionary character), and Anonhistory (who likes to tease Centuriichan with a Pictish witch character, naked but for blue woad tattoos).

 

Ted: Oh, you beautiful babes from England, for whom we have traveled through time… will you go to the prom with us in San Dimas? We will have a most triumphant time! [princesses giggle]

Bill: Way to go, dude!

 

Sadly, Princesses Elizabeth and Joanna from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure won’t be featuring in my Top 10 Girls of History – but here’s who does!

 

B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

 

Scene from the 2006 film Marie Antoinette, starring Kirsten Dunst as the titular French queen  (fair use)

 

 

(10) MARIE ANTOINETTE (1755-1793)

 

Let them eat cake?

And yes, I know that statement being attributed to Marie Antoinette as demonstrating her ignorance of the plight of her subjects – as her answer to their protest that they had no bread to eat – is apocryphal at best and fictional propaganda at worst.

History’s most famous aristocratic party girl, albeit that fame may owe more to how the party ended for her.

Born an Austrian princess – okay, archduchess but basically the same thing – she became Queen of France through her marriage to Louis XVI as well as the target of those opposed to the monarchy, culminating with her being beheaded by guillotine along with her husband as part of the Reign of Terror during the French Revolution.

“Long after her death, Marie Antoinette remains a major historical figure linked with conservatism, the Catholic Church, wealth and fashion. She has been the subject of many books, films, and other media. Politically engaged authors have deemed her the quintessential representative of class conflict, western aristocracy and absolutism. Some of her contemporaries, such as Jefferson, attributed to her as a cause of the French Revolution.”

 

RATING:

B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

 

Lucrezia Borgia as portrayed by Holliday Grainger in The Borgias TV series 2011-2013 from her profile in the fan wiki (fair use)

 

 

(9) LUCREZIA BORGIA (1480-1519)

 

Basically a Renaissance mafia princess.

I just have a soft spot for the ‘bad girls’ of history, albeit that adjective is a matter of historical perspective. You can make arguments for my preceding entry as a bad girl – or indeed pretty much all my entries as bad girls – but we’re much more in bad girl territory with Lucrezia Borgia, if only through her family.

After all, she was the illegitimate daughter of Rodrigo Borgia in his reign as Pope Alexander VI, and it doesn’t get much more bad than popes having kids – except perhaps her brother Cesare, the model for Machiavelli’s Prince, who was arguably even worse than their father. . .

Her family arranged several marriages for her among the Italian aristocracy that advanced their own political position, lending itself to “notorious tales about her family”  that “cast Lucrezia as a femme fatale, a controversial role in which she has been portrayed in many artworks, novels, and films”. That role extended to the role of black widow for one of her husbands (even if through her brother Cesare) and poisoning or murder in general, such as the rumor that she had a hollow ring that she used to poison drinks.

“Lucrezia was described as having heavy blonde hair that fell past her knees, a beautiful complexion, hazel eyes that changed colour, a full, high bosom, and a natural grace that made her appear to “walk on air”.

 

RATING:

B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

 

Tomoe Gozen as portrayed by Sayaka Akimoto in the Japanese 2022 TV drama The 13 Lords of the Shogun

 

 

(8) TOMOE GOZEN (1157-1247)

 

I had to get a ninja girl (or kunoichi) in there somewhere – even if the closest I could get was a female samurai (or onna-musha) and a possibly legendary one at that.

Tomoe Gozen is perhaps the best known female samurai by name, mentioned in The Tale of the Heike but not otherwise in any primary accounts of the Genpei War, a civil war between rival clans in Japan. She was famed as a swordswoman and archer, serving under the samurai lord Minamoto no Yoshinaka.

 

RATING:

B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

Promotional poster for the Zenobia: Queen of the East film in production (fair use)

 

 

(7) ZENOBIA (240-274)

 

The first of three rebels against Rome in my Top 10 Girls of History, Septimia Zenobia ruled what has become known to posterity as the Palmyrene Empire – Roman client state gone rogue and conquering most of the Roman East, culminating with the conquest of Egypt as the jewel in its crown and threat to Rome’s grain supply as the breadbasket of the Roman Empire.

First wife and then widow of Odaenathus, the king who had elevated the city of Palymra to its supreme power in the Roman East, she effectively became the de facto ruler as regent of her son. She “remained nominally subordinate to Rome” but Palmyrene predominance in the eastern part of the empire was too much of a threat for Rome to tolerate and so Emperor Aurelian led a campaign against her to restore her realm to the empire. That forced her reaction to declare her son emperor with herself as empress, as well as Palmyra’s independence from Rome. That did not turn out well for either Palmyra or her.

It is disappointing that she does not the same iconic status and mystique as Cleopatra, as Zenobia achieved what Cleopatra only dreamed – a genuine rival state to Roman power in the eastern empire with real prospects of success – and was at least as hot, by the account of Edward Gibbon  – at least by the account of Edward Gibbon, that she was considered “most lovely,” and “equalled in beauty her [claimed] ancestor Cleopatra”.

“Zenobia has inspired scholars, academics, musicians and actors; her fame has lingered in the West, and is supreme in the Middle East…a heroic queen with a tragic end…Harold Mattingly called Zenobia one of the most romantic figures in history.”

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

Art by comics artist Simon Bisley from his Famous Women from History collection of Boadicea cropped to her face with frenzied battle expression for copyright fair use as well as the rest of the image being a litte too racy (although not as racy as it would be if she was fighting “sky clad” as is recorded of the Britons against the Romans)

 

 

(6) BOADICEA (? – 61)

 

You know her name, or maybe you don’t since it is one of many variants – Boudica or Boudicca in the Celtic language of Byrthonic connoting victory (so that she might also have been called Victory or Victoria) and Boadicea or Boudicea in Latin chronicles. There’s also a variant in Welsh as Buddug, which just sounds odd.

Anyway, she’s the second of my three rebels against Rome in my Top 10 Girls of History.

Queen of the ancient British Iceni tribe, essentially a client kingdom of Rome, “she led a failed uprising against the conquering forces of the Roman Empire in AD 60 or 61” and hence has become a British national heroine despite her defeat.

Her husband Prasutagus left his kingdom jointly to their two daughters and to the Roman emperor in his will, something which was always going to go badly as the Roman Empire in such dealings often resembled Darth Vader – “I have altered the deal. Pray that I don’t alter it further”.  In the case of the Iceni, Rome was particularly egregious – ignoring the will, annexing the kingdom, and according to Tacitus, flogging Boadicea and sxually abusing her daughters.

Boadicea led the Iceni and other British tribes in revolt, initially successful to the point that emperor Nero considered withdrawing from Britain, but ultimately defeated by the Roman legions under governor Paulinus in an admittedly impressive feat of arms despite being heavily outnumbered.

She evolved into a national icon from the English Renaissance to the Victorian period, not coincidentally with Britain’s female monarchs in those periods, Elizabeth and Victoria.

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

Anne Bonney as depicted in starring role in the first issue of the Image Comics series A Man Among Ye by writer Stephanie Phillips and artist Craig Cermak released 17 June 2020. She was featured in some smoking art in that comics series – and in her depictions in comics in general (fair use)

 

(5) ANNE BONNY (? – 1733)

 

I mean, you knew I had to have a pirate girl in my top ten and Irish pirate girl Anne Bonny eclipses the other female pirates, including her fellow pirate Mary Read

Enter some sort of pun on crossbones here – actually now that I think of it, most pirate lingo seems to double up as entendres…

Although, she was only a pirate for 61 days. 61 days?! She basically just had a couple of months Caribbean cruise as a pirate!

She joined the crew of John Rackham, alongside fellow female pirate Mary Read, for her brief, piratical career before being captured. My respect for her increases as she had her execution stayed – as did Read – on the basis of claiming to be pregnant. That worked out better for Bonny – Read died in imprisonment but Bonny was likely let go at some point, as she died a dozen years later or so.

“Amongst the few recorded female pirates in the Golden Age of Piracy, she has become one of the most recognized pirates of the era, as well as the history of piracy in general…Despite a career of only 61 days, Anne Bonny is among the most famous pirates in recorded history, primarily due to her gender. Within a decade, Bonny-inspired characters were already appearing in contemporary culture…An 1888 cigarette card depicted Bonny as a redhead, a trait that continues to this day despite no evidence supporting it. Swashbuckling cinema often included a dashing redhaired woman or female pirate companion, occasionally directly naming Bonny…By the 21st century, Bonny has appeared in hundreds of books, movies, songs, stage shows, TV programs, and video games. Almost every female pirate character, is in some form, inspired by Anne Bonny.”

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

Elizabeth Bathory as depicted in one of her appearance in comics – on the cover of a Dynamite series The Blood Queen Part 1: Reign in Blood released June 2014, art by Jay Anacleto and Ivan Nunes (fair use)

 

 

(4) ELIZABETH BATHORY (1560-1614)

 

And now we get to my biggest bad girl of history – I mean, you also knew I was going to get a vampire girl in there somewhere, even in my girls of history.

Of course, she wasn’t an actual vampire but essentially became one, literally bathing in blood as an icon of folklore, fantasy and horror – arguably second only to Dracula himself as iconic vampire, hence epithets as Countess Dracula or Blood Countess. Ironically, she was from Hungarian, neighbor to Dracula’s Transylvania and contesting that territory with Romania.

“Countess Elizabeth Báthory was a Hungarian noblewoman and alleged serial killer from the powerful House of Bathory, who owned land in the Kingdom of Hungary (now Slovakia). Báthory and four of her servants were accused of torturing and killing hundreds of girls and women from 1590 to 1610. Bathory and her cohorts were charged for 80 counts of murder and were convicted. Her servants were put on trial and executed, whereas Báthory was imprisoned…until she died in her sleep in 1614.”

My favorite folklore of her is that her spree started from her observation that her skin seemed fresher or younger from a servant’s girl blood after an accidental injury and she started bathing in the blood of virgins to retain her youth, hence her iconography as vampire or vampiric in nature (contrary to contemporary historical records and only evolving as a legend a century after her death).

I can’t feature Elizabeth Bathory without reference to my favorite fantasy art of her – the posthumous fantasy depiction by artist Olivier Ledroit in Requiem Vampire Knight by Pat Mills. (Posthumous that is, in that it is set in the afterlife – but not any afterlife you’d like to find yourself in, unless you were someone like Elizabeth Bathory).

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

 

 

Photo of Marilyn Monroe while filming The Seven Year Itch on the streets of New York. She apparently stopped at some point during the shooting of the famous “skirt scene” and posed for the reporters and photographers who were covering the film shoot. Photograph taken by Sam Shaw and published by Corpus Christi Caller-Times-photo from Associated Press (public domain)

 

 

(3) MARILYN MONROE (1926-1962)

 

Few modern celebrities have transcended their celebrity to become as historically iconic and none quite like her. Her image and name are instantly recognizable, indeed enduring as a valuable advertising brand, licensed to hundreds of companies.

Born Norma Jeane Mortenson, she became the Hollywood blonde bombshell – as well as emblematic of Hollywood itself, Playboy (as the literal face of the first edition of the magazine on its cover and in its centerfold), and “the era’s sxual revolution”, perhaps also the American Dream (or at least the American dream girl).

“According to The Guide to United States Popular Culture, as an icon of American popular culture, Monroe’s few rivals in popularity include Elvis Presley and Mickey Mouse… no other star has ever inspired such a wide range of emotions—from lust to pity, from envy to remorse…Art historian Gail Levin stated that Monroe may have been “the most photographed person of the 20th century”.

 

RATING:

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

 

 

Joan of Arc depicted on the cover art of The Mission of Joan of Arc collected edition by Philip Kosloski, Alexandre Nascimento and Jesse Hansen published by Voyage Comics, a Catholic comics publishing company (fair use)

 

 

(2) JOAN OF ARC (1412-1431)

 

The Maid of Orleans – teenaged military leader and patron saint of France, surprisingly prolific in cultural depictions showcasing her enduring popularity.

“Joan of Arc…is a patron saint of France, honored as a defender of the French nation for her role in the siege of Orleans and her insistence on the coronation of Charles VII of France during the Hundred Year’s War. Stating that she acted under divine guidance, she became a military leader who gained recognition as a savior of France.”

Much of her religious originated from her claims of visions from angels or saints, but she walked the walk as much as she talked her talk, leading the French to victories “paving the way for their final triumph in the Hundred Years War several decades later’.

However, her divine fortune ran out with two unsuccessful sieges as well as being captured and handed over to her English opponents, Famously, they tried her for heresy and executed her by burning at the stake – which only served to increase her French religious mystique as martyr.

“After the French Revolution, she became a national symbol of France. In 1920, Joan of Arc was canonized by Pope Benedict XV and, two years later, was declared one of the patron saints of France. She is portrayed in numerous cultural works, including literature, music, paintings, sculptures, and theater…Joan is one of the most studied people of the Middle Ages, partly because her two trials provided a wealth of documents.Her image, changing over time, has included being the savior of France, an obedient member of the Catholic Church, an early feminist, and a symbol of freedom and independence.”

She’s also a magnet for alternative historical interpretations or revisionist theories – “theories she was an illegitimate royal child; that she was not burned at the stake; that most of her story is a fabrication; and that she escaped death at the stake”. My favorite of these was Margaret Murray conscripting Joan to Murray’s pagan witch cult thesis – in which Joan “was correctly identified as a witch”, but witchcraft was “a survival of the pagan old religion of pre-Christian Europe”.

 

RATING:

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

 

Cover of Cleopatra: The Last Great Queen of Egypt, history book for children by Samuel John published in 2025 (fair use)

 

 

(1) CLEOPATRA (70/69 BC – 30 BC)

 

Was there any doubt about the top spot? Although technically it’s Cleopatra VII – or Cleopatra VII Thea Philopator.

“Queen of the Ptolemaic Kingdom of Egypt from 51 to 30 BC, and the last active Hellenistic pharaoh. A member of the Ptolemaic dynasty, she was a descendant of its founder Ptolemy I Soter, a Macedonian Greek general and companion of Alexander the Great. Her first language was Koine Greek, and she is the only Ptolemaic ruler known to have learned the Egyptian language, among several others.After her death, Egypt became a province of the Roman Empire, marking the end of the Hellenistic period in the Mediterranean.”

Also famously the lover of Caesar, whom she aligned herself with to gain the upper hand in the civil war with her co-ruler and brother Ptolemy XIII. Even more famously, she was the lover of Caesar’s ally Mark Anthony in the Roman civil war with Caesar’s heir Octavian – to advance her Ptolemaic interests within Mark Anthony’s control of the eastern part of the empire as against Octavian’s control of the western half. Her alliance with Mark Anthony didn’t turn out well for either of them, with both taking their own lives in the face of their defeat by Octavian’s forces.

“Cleopatra’s legacy survives in ancient and modern works of art, Roman historiography and Latin poetry produced a generally critical view of the queen that pervaded later Medieval and Renaissance literature. In the visual arts, her ancient depictions include Roman busts, painting, sculptures, cameo carvings and glass, Ptolemaic and Roman coinage, and reliefs. In Renaissance and Barosque art, she was the subject of many works including operas, paintings, poetry, sculptures, and theatrical dramas. She has become a pop culture icon of Egyptomania since the Victorian era, and in modern times has appeared in the applied and fine arts, burlesque satire, Hollywood films, and brand images for commercial products.”

And yes – I know the historical Cleopatra wasn’t the bombshell as portrayed by Elizabeth Taylor in the 1963 film

Speaking of Elizabeth Taylor’s Cleopatra, I’ve always liked the cover of Asterix and Cleopatra, which was adapted from that film’s poster and joked about the epic cost of the film’s production – a cost which saw the film flop.

And speaking of Asterix and Cleopatra, Monica Belucci played Cleopatra in the 2002 live-action Asterix film, Mission Cleopatra.

 

RATING:

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

 

 

 

 

GIRLS OF HISTORY: TOP 10 (TIER LIST)

 

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

 

(1) CLEOPATRA

(2) JOAN OF ARC

(3) MARILYN MONROE

 

If Cleopatra and Joan of Arc are my Old Testament of girls of history, Marilyn Monroe is my New Testament.

 

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

(4) ELIZABETH BATHORY

(5) ANNE BONNY

(6) BOADICEA

(7) ZENOBIA

 

B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

(8) TOMOE GOZEN

(9) LUCREZIA BORGIA

(10) MARIE ANTOINETTE

 

 

Friday Night Funk – Top 10 Music (Mojo & Funk): Special Mention (Funk) (5) Devo – Whip It

Devo in their signature Red Energy Dome hats

 

 

(5) FUNK: DEVO – WHIP IT (1980)

B-Side: Beautiful World (1981)

 

“When a problem comes along

You must whip it!

Before the cream sits out too long

You must whip it!

When something’s going wrong

You must whip it!”

 

I say whip it!

Devo is an American new wave music band, best known for their red Energy Dome hats and this 1980 single from their album Freedom of Choice, their signature song and only mainstream hit. As such, they are labelled a one-hit wonder – for shame! – but their achievements and catalogue extend well beyond that, albeit more as cult following. For that matter, band front-man Mark Mothersbaugh has had a prolific career as a composer, notably in film – including the Academy Award-winning “Everything is Awesome” from The Lego Movie.

Devo wasn’t just a band – it was a philosophy! Devo stood for de-evolution – “the band’s part-satirical, part-serious take” on the world, with “their music and stage shows mingling kitsch science fiction themes, deadpan surrealist humor and mordantly satirical social commentary”.

But I said “Whip It” – and whip it good! The intention of the absurdist lyrics isn’t quite as kinky as they sound or listeners have assumed. Among other things, they are a play on “can-do” positive thinking self-help (notably Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking). Of course, that didn’t stop Devo playing up the song’s perceived kink in the accompanying (and pioneering) music video, with Mothersbaugh whipping the clothes off a woman on a dude ranch.

“If there was a Hall of Fame for early ’80s New Wave music, Devo’s ‘Whip It’ would be a shoo-in for induction. Undoubtedly the band’s most recognizable song, ‘Whip It’ elevated Devo from an underground art-rock outfit to a (briefly) mainstream pop act, albeit one that still retained its pointed and satirical view of society. And, of course, who can forget the song’s surrealist and now-iconic video that was a staple of MTV during the then-fledgling channel’s early years? The fact that The Simpsons even paid homage to both the song and the video in an episode demonstrates how much ‘Whip It’ has transcended pop culture.”

Whip it good!

As for my B-side, I have a soft spot for their 1981 single “Beautiful World”

And for those hardcore cult Devo fans, here’s some other Devo songs other than their signature hit – and the balance of this hardcore Devo fan’s Top 10 Devo songs:

 

(3) Freedom of Choice (1980) (from their album of the same name, also featuring Whip It and Girl U Want)

(4) Girl U Want (1980)

(5) Working in the Coal Mine (1981)

(6) Peek A Boo (1982)

(7) Big Mess (1982)

(8) Here to Go (1984)

(9) (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” (1977)

(10) Are You Experienced (1984)

 

Whip it good!

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

B-TIER (HIGH-TIER)